


The Heart Never Forgets

by xWitchAlchemistx



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bromance, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Howling Commandos - Freeform, winter soldier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-04
Updated: 2014-05-24
Packaged: 2018-01-21 21:11:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1564205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xWitchAlchemistx/pseuds/xWitchAlchemistx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A week after Steve rescued Bucky from Hydra the first time, Steve isn't sure where he stands with his best friend. And Bucky doesn't seem like he's all in one piece. A night away from camp becomes enlightening for the both of them, and leads to a promise that in the distant future even the Winter Soldier can't forget.  [Now includes bonus one-shots set in the same story-verse].</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Heart Never Forgets

**Something fun to get the creative juices flowing. Is it clingy brotherhood? Is it slash? I don't even know yet. Took a bit of liberties with their being able to leave and have a bar. Just go with it. XD Enjoy!~**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

There had been about a week lapse of time following Steve's rescue of the captured soldiers from Hydra. For Bucky, it had been filled with medical visits, psychological examinations, and occasional bouts of good-natured griping about his treatment. He was 'ready to get back to the action', as he put it. Steve wasn't so sure about that, and their conversations thus far hadn't had the opportunity to be meaningful. Not towards Bucky's state, or Steve's, and it terrified him a bit. Because despite Bucky's apparent instant acceptance, he still wondered if Bucky was really okay with Steve being in charge...with him being...as he now was.

But if it was bothering him, the jerk sure wasn't letting on.

"You're just too pretty t'be a nurse, y'know that? You shoulda been an actress." Bucky crooned to a blonde vixen who flushed and smiled up at him, clearly smitten.

In light of everything that had happened, they'd been given a short reprieve and the men were all too happy to spend it in the miniscule excuse for a town not too far off from their military encampment. The booze was terrible, but it was cheap, and the cozy atmosphere was a relief from the mud-and-muck war lifestyle they'd been trudging through.

That being said, some of the soldiers hadn't been cleared to leave the camp due to medical restrictions, Bucky being one of them. Which, naturally, hadn't stopped him from slipping out and it wasn't as if any one would rat him out. Steve had taken notice, and come shortly after to observe Bucky from a distance. Because despite Bucky's easy smile and dismissive responses to the contrary, Steve was _sure_ he wasn't 'just fine'.

The vixen pressed a little closer to Bucky, who leaned closer and apparently said something funny [or dirty] given the way she giggled and smacked a hand against his chest lightly.

Steve was reminded of days past, constantly watching Bucky from behind as the girls fell in line to be by his side...and ignore Steve. Bucky always tried to arrange a set-up for Steve, but it never worked out and when he ended up with both girls, he never went out of his way to send one his direction. And he couldn't hold it against him. They were what they were, and it wasn't Bucky's job to get Steve a date. Bucky had already done more for Steve than he'd ever thought a person could do. He'd taken up the mantle of Steve's protector, caretaker, and best friend and he'd never judged him like the others did. So he couldn't be bitter.

That being said, there had always been a competitive streak between them. And that being said, it was possible that he felt just the tiniest bit possessive of Bucky. Possibly.

And that, he told himself, was the reason for what came next.

"Mind if I cut in?" Steve asked with a light grin as he came to stand beside Bucky and the vixen.

The pair broke apart, and the girl fixed Steve with a wide-eyed look of admiration while Bucky blinked in surprise and then smirked. "Well, well, look who finally decided to show up."

"Well, I was supposed to be keeping an eye on a certain sergeant, but he seems to have run off so I guess I'm free tonight." Steve replied pointedly, to which Bucky grinned unrepentantly. He then inclined his head towards the girl. "Who's your friend?" he asked, although he knew perfectly well that she was Clara, one of the newer nurses.

"My name's Clara, it's such an honor to meet you, Captain America!" she gushed.

"Oh, Steve will do just fine, Clara...we're all friends here, right, Buck?"

Bucky, for a brief moment, seemed slightly confused [or perhaps suspicious], but then he inclined his head. "Nothing but the best here."

Steve kept his expression innocent and smiled winningly at Clara as he gave a half-bow and held out his hand. "The music's not the best for this sort of thing but...I don't suppose you'd care to dance?"

The girl gasped and clutched a hand to her chest before she placed her hand in his as she exclaimed. "Would I!"

Bucky lifted a brow, and Steve kept up the smile. "You don't mind, do ya, Buck?"

"What's to mind? Be my guest." he made a gesture for them to hop to it, and Steve led the girl to the dance floor. Bucky watched them for a moment, and Steve watched _him_ from the corner of his eye. But just as quickly, Bucky turned away and nursed a beer, and while Steve twirled the girl around on the dance floor Bucky never looked back.

"You're such a great dancer, Cap-I mean... _Steve_." The girl giggled shyly.

Steve smiled at her, although his thoughts were elsewhere as he said absently. "Well, I had a good teacher."

"Ohh, she was a lucky lady!"

Steve didn't bother to correct her. To explain that Bucky had taught him to dance would confuse most people. Tough-guy Bucky Barnes had danced with Captain America? That wouldn't register for most people. They didn't understand how Steve used to be, they didn't understand the bond he had with Bucky, that it had been them against the world.

That Steve had never had anyone else willing to dance with him.

_"Even if I could get a girl to dance with me, I don't know how to dance. So it'd be pointless."_

_Bucky scoffed. "You're gonna get girls to dance with you. And you're gonna know how to dance."_

_"How do you figure that?" Steve asked with a roll of his eyes._

_Bucky smirked, and Steve frowned suspiciously before he found his wrists grabbed as Bucky invaded his personal space._

_"Bucky, wha-"_

_"I'm gonna teach ya. So pipe down and pay attention."_

_Steve flushed and tried to tug away. "Idiot. It's fine. You're being creepy."_

_Bucky looked mock-hurt. "I go outta my way to teach my best pal to dance, and this is the thanks I get? Now look, put your hand here-"_

_"-Wait, I'm leading?"_

_"Well, I'm teachin' ya, aren't I? Don't want you dancin' like the girl when it gets down to it." Bucky said as though it should have been obvious._

_"There's no music, Buck." Steve muttered, and he avoided Bucky's gaze, embarrassed. Their close proximity just high-lighted the differences between them. Gone were the days when he and Bucky were eye-level, now he had to crane his neck to meet the other's gaze. Bucky dwarfed him, along with most every other guy. No matter what Bucky said, who was gonna wanna dance with Steve, especially when Bucky was around? And now Bucky was going out of his way to make him feel better, without understanding that it just made him feel worse. It was a catch-22 with Bucky. Bucky was the best friend he could ever ask for, they were practically brothers, but if they weren't friends...Bucky was exactly the type of guy he would have been jealous of. He hated that, he hated that he'd even let himself think of it. Hated that in the back of his mind, he didn't think Bucky could see him as an equal, but rather as someone who needed taking care of. And he hated that he could think that way. And mostly, he hated that he couldn't match Bucky. Not as his friend, or even as his rival._

_Steve was stirred from his unpleasant thoughts by humming, and he realized that Bucky was singing, his deep voice rumbling with a Brooklyn drawl. A little off-key, but familiar and comfortable. "Got a dame I can't get off my mind, what I wouldn't do to make her mind. Guess I'll just have to say, 'would you like to dance with me today?'"_

_Bucky always did have a thing for old music._

_Bucky coached him in between verses and when it was done, Bucky clapped him on the shoulder. "Not bad, punk. We'll make a ladies man out of you yet." he grinned cheekily._

_Steve snorted and smacked Bucky's shoulder lightly. "And leave you the wallflower, jerk? I'd feel too bad."_

_A strange look crossed Bucky's face, almost as if he'd realized something but not quite, and then Bucky slung an arm around Steve's neck as he ruffled his hair with his free hand. "I wouldn't mind. It'd be nice to see you havin' fun."_

_Steve was a bit surprised by the comment, and wondered just what Bucky meant by that. "I have fun all the time."_

_Bucky seemed like he wanted to say more, but in the end, he seemed to decide against it as he pushed Steve away with a laugh. "You'll understand when you're older." he teased. "I need a sandwich, all that hard work made me hungry." he disappeared into the kitchen, but his head appeared in the doorway as he added with mock-severity. "You tell any one I taught ya to dance..."_

_"And what, you'll ruffle my hair, sweetheart?" Steve crooned back teasingly, and Bucky playfully scowled before he disappeared again._

The sound of shattered glass caught the attention of most of the bar occupants, although few looked on for long since it was hardly the first time someone had dropped a cup.

Steve's gaze zeroed in on Bucky. He was crouched down by a broken glass and he cursed as he cut his hand picking up one of the pieces. "Excuse me, Clara." he said politely as he made his way over to Bucky.

"Whoa, slow down, pal, they'll clean it up. Come on, let's wash your hand...Bucky?"

Bucky's body was tense, his jaw clenched and his gaze fixed on the cut on his hand. He seemed lost in a reverie a moment, and when Steve grabbed his shoulder in concern, he jumped. "Steve?" Bucky blinked as though surprised to find him there before he looked back down at the glass and tugged his arm away. "It's fine-"

"-Not a problem, I've got it." The barkeep had joined them and started to clean.

Meanwhile, Clara had joined them and at the sight of Bucky's hand she was in a tizzy at once. "Oh, no! We've got to get him cleaned up! It'd be bad if he got an infection and we had to am...ampu..."

Bucky stared at her incredulously while Steve fought a sigh. Most of the nurses he'd dealt with were tough, they didn't take flack and were used to soldiers and the harsh realities of war. But every now and then, you got a Clara. "I'll take care of him. I need to escort him back anyway, it's past Sergeant Barnes' curfew." "But-" "-Curfew?" Bucky's voice dripped defiance as he rose to frown at Steve while he wiped his hand on his pants casually. "I'm fine. Hand just slipped, no big deal." he said dismissively as he turned to the barkeep who'd returned to his post. "I'll have another."

"No, he won't." Steve said firmly, and he cast a firm glance to the barkeep besides. He was so tired of hearing 'I'm fine' from Bucky when he knew it was a lie. The look he'd had when Steve had grabbed his shoulder...he was far from fine. And Steve was tired of not knowing where he stood with Bucky now. He just wanted it over with, he wanted to know, good or bad what place he had in Bucky's life now. Bucky hated taking orders, how would he react to having them from Steve? How would he react to Steve not needing Bucky to fight his battles? Would it make him happy or...

Bucky shot him a glare as he stood toe-to-toe with Steve a moment. He didn't have to crane his neck, but he did have to look up to see Steve. For Steve, it was both strange and nice, what was it for Bucky?

Steve put on his 'captain' voice as he pulled rank. "Problem, Sergeant Barnes?"

Bucky's jaw clenched, and Steve half-expected Bucky to take a swing at him. Now there were definitely eyes on them. But in the end, his lips twisted into a tight smile as he inclined his head. "Not at all, _Captain_." He glanced around and shot the nosy occupants a cool glare before he stalked out.

Steve internally winced, but he diffused the situation with a laugh. "Little too much to drink...I hope I won't be having this conversation with any one else tonight, alright?" The levity resumed and he followed out after Bucky, who was already a good few feet ahead. "Bucky...Bucky...Bucky, stop!"

Bucky finally drew to a halt, and he turned to face Steve as he splayed his palms by his sides. "That an order, Captain?"

"If it was, it wasn't from the captain." Steve said as he reached Bucky, and again found himself squared off with the other.

Bucky pursed his lips a moment before he chuckled ruefully. "You always were a bossy little punk."

"And you were always a stubborn jerk." The pair went silent a moment before Steve set a hand on Bucky's shoulder, surprised and a little more hurt than he cared to admit when Bucky tensed and drew back a little, although he didn't move Steve's hand away. Even so, Steve let his hand fall. "What's wrong, Buck? And don't say 'I'm fine', 'cause I'm not buying it."

"Okay, I'm just dandy, that better?" Bucky drawled. A typical Bucky diversion tactic, sarcasm and, or humor. And there was the way he couldn't quite meet Steve's gaze. But things were different now, he could force the issue, and he stood closer so that he filled Bucky's view.

Bucky's eyes met his, and Steve couldn't read the look he found there. It was disconcerting, because he could always read Bucky. "I'm worried about you, Buck." he admitted, and that was the wrong thing to say.

"You don't need to. Nothing's wrong." Bucky pulled away and started walking back towards camp.

Steve scowled, a mixture of exasperation and concern as he followed and ended up walking side-by side with Bucky who for his part, seemed determined to stare straight ahead. "I know you have nightmares, Buck."

Bucky's step faltered a moment but he didn't stop walking as he shrugged. "Wouldn't know, don't remember."

"They're about what happened at Hydra, right?" Steve pressed gently.

"Like I _said_ , I don't remember. They kept me nice and loopy in there. End of story." But Steve didn't miss the way he started rolling his fingers. He tended to do it when he was impatient or excited, or in the rare cases that he was anxious.

"Bucky, I want the truth-"

"-That _is_ the truth." Bucky snapped back. "Mind your own business!"

And just like that, Steve flared up. He had tried to be gentle about it, and give Bucky his space, but the dried blood on his hand was visible proof that he wasn't himself. Bucky wasn't clumsy, and he wasn't drunk.

Steve whirled around and grabbed Bucky, a little roughly, before he had him shoved back up against a tree.

Bucky's eyes widened in surprise, and then his eyes narrowed as he tried to shove Steve away. But there was no budging the super-soldier, he kept his forearm pressed against Bucky's chest and applied just enough pressure to keep him there. Bucky's right hand lifted with a clenched fist, and Steve lifted a brow.

"You gonna punch me, Buck? Go ahead, if it'll make you feel better."

Bucky inhaled sharply, and their gazes locked a moment before the anger seemed to leave Bucky and his fist dropped. He sighed heavily, and seemed impossibly weary then. "I'm not gonna punch ya, Steve." he finally muttered. _You know I'd never hurt you_ went unspoken but hung in the air between them anyway. Steve knew it, he'd banked on that when he'd challenged Bucky to punch him.

Steve watched his friend a moment before he pulled his arm away. Bucky shifted uncomfortably and rubbed his chest almost absently before Steve spoke. "You are my business, Bucky...I thought we were each other's business...but maybe you don't think that way now that...I'm like this?"

Bucky's head jerked up and he stared at Steve with such confusion and surprise, Steve was almost tempted to laugh. "What's the supposed to mean?"

Steve felt like he was the one being scrutinized now, and he hadn't meant to bring that issue up-not while he was trying to see what was actually wrong with Bucky, but...he hadn't been able to help it. "...You won't look me in the eyes...you won't be honest with me...you pulled away when I put my hand on your shoulder..." he mentally chastised himself for the bit of hurt that bled into his words, especially on that last bit.

Bucky's expression flickered guilt a moment before he muttered. "That's not...I wasn't...it's not on purpose."

"Then what is it?" Bucky's expression twisted, and silence stretched on between them. When it was clear that Bucky wouldn't reply, Steve gave a bitter half-smile. "You can just say it...I can take it. You don't want to be my friend now that i'm like this."

Bucky's head once again snapped towards him, eyes wide and disbelieving. And then anger flared in his expression again as he suddenly shoved Steve. Steve took a couple of steps back, not because Bucky had actually used enough force to move him, but because he felt staying immobile would only frustrate Bucky more. "Where the Hell did you get that idea? If anything, you're the one who doesn't need me-" he cut off as he realized what he'd said, and he flushed as he turned away. "Forget it. I-"

"- _What_?" Steve cut him off, and when Bucky started to walk away again, he caught him by the arm and whirled him around. Now _that_ annoyed him, he jerked his arm away to glare at Steve.

"Quit swinging me around like a damn ragdoll!"

"You always did the same thing to me."

"That was different!" Bucky snapped.

"And why's that?" Steve snapped back.

" _Because_!"

"Well that was eloquent." Steve drawled sarcastically. And something occurred to him. An idea of sorts. "What if I don't quit? What're you gonna do about it?" he grabbed one of Bucky's wrists and twisted his arm a bit. Bucky seemed taken aback and then his glare returned full force as he tried to tug away.

"Let go of me, Rogers." he growled. Steve tightened his grip as he took a step closer.

"Nah, I don't think so. We're gonna stand here until you feel like being honest with me." " _Let_. _Go_." Bucky said lowly. Steve smirked in reply and said in his most obnoxious voice. "Make me, if you think you can."

Bucky's fist connected with his face, and damn it was a good punch although in the grand scheme of things, it really didn't hurt him much. Steve released Bucky, and he watched as Bucky's expression of fury became one of stunned surprised as he released what he'd done. "I-...Steve...I...I didn't mean..."

"Yeah, you did, and that's okay." Steve said with a grin as he rubbed his face for Bucky's benefit. "You got a mean right hook, pal." Bucky's expression flooded with guilt, and Steve shook his head. "I'm not made of glass, Buck. You don't need to protect me anymore." He thought that would be a relief, that had been the point of goading Bucky into punching him, to show him that Steve could stand as his equal now. That he didn't have to lie to shield his feelings or carry his burden alone. What he didn't expect was the look of misery and resignation that flashed across Bucky's face, or the way his shoulders slumped slightly.

"Yeah..." he finally said, his voice quiet, and he chuckled, but his heart wasn't in it. "You really don't need me."

That was the second time Bucky had said that, and only in hearing it the second time did Steve really make a connection. Steve hadn't been sure where he stood with Bucky, but maybe Bucky hadn't been sure where he stood with Steve either? "Buck..." How to phrase it? "You know I'm...still _me_ on the inside...right?"

"Well, yeah..." But there was a flicker of doubt in his voice.

Steve tried to piece together the pieces of the puzzle that was Bucky. He'd tried to get the other to be honest, but maybe he oughta be honest first. "...I was so happy when I found you alive, Buck...you have no idea. When I heard you were dead...it was like everything just stopped. I couldn't breathe...remember, you were always the only one who could talk me down?" Whenever Steve had an asthma attack and didn't have an inhaler handy, Bucky could always talk him through it.

Bucky stiffened and he tilted his gaze to regard Steve, his expression guarded. "And then I was scared." Steve admitted.

Bucky's brow furrowed. "Scared...scared of what?"

Again, how to phrase it? "...I don't know how to explain it well, Bucky...I guess...I just didn't know how you'd react...and it scared the Hell out of me."

"React...to what...? You becoming...this?" he gestured to Steve. "Well...yeah." he repeated Bucky's earlier words. "You always took care of me, Buck...always had my back...you listened to me, you knew me better than anyone, no one else even bothered to try...even when I had nothing, I had you...and it didn't seem like you minded, even though people gave you crap about hanging out with me. Even though I couldn't give you anything in return..." he cut off as Bucky snorted in disbelief.

"Are you an _idiot_?"

Steve frowned. That wasn't exactly the response to his attempt at sincerity and honesty that he'd expected. "Well, apparently _you_ think so."

"You have no idea...no freaking idea..." Bucky muttered as he ran a hand through his hair and then rubbed his face wearily. Then he frowned at Steve as he met his gaze. "It always bugged me when you'd talk like that. No matter what I said or did, it was like you didn't _really_ believe me. Like I was hanging out with you out of charity or something." he shook his head at the thought before he continued. "I thought eventually, you'd see I wasn't leaving, you'd _get_ it...but you still don't, do you?"

It was Steve's turn to be taken aback. He wasn't sure what to say, and he was spared an answer as Bucky stepped up to him and continued. "A lot of people thought you hung out with me just so I'd protect you." Steve scowled at the thought and Bucky pressed on. "But I knew better. You'd fight tooth and nail till the end. You'd _yell_ at _me_ for fighting for ya sometimes." And at that, they both smiled a little.

"You just wouldn't take 'no' for an answer."

"Apparently I'm a stubborn jerk, remember?" Bucky shot back, and then he sighed as he kept up his earlier narrative. "But sometimes, I'd wonder why you did hang out with me. It wasn't for the girls, cause most of the time, you'd make a fuss when I dragged you out. It wasn't so I'd protect you. You never wanted money even when you needed it. Most everything I did for ya, I had to force down your throat, you pain in the a**." he grumbled.

Steve blinked at the realization, because it was actually pretty accurate. He had hated accepting a hand, he'd always wanted to prove himself, to do it on his own. Steve usually let Bucky help him, but rarely without some form of argument or griping afterwards. "If you'd...been any one else, they'da wondered why you were hanging out with _me_. Bucky Barnes, resident bad influence. Always picking fights, always stealing, cheating, and lying...just a dumb hoodlum-"

"-You're none of that! You were never!" Steve rallied to his defense, as he'd always done.

Bucky smiled at that, and he lifted a hand to punch Steve's cheek lightly. "You were always like that. You always saw something good about me, even when no one else did. And I wanted to be that for you, I wanted to be the Bucky you saw when you looked at me."

Steve stared at Bucky, stunned. This was the first he'd heard of this. He'd had no idea Bucky had felt that way. There had never been a question for him. Sure, Bucky picked fights, and it wasn't like he'd never stolen or lied, [although Bucky was no cheat], but he had reasons for what he did, it wasn't on a whim. And Bucky was one of the smartest guys he knew. He only got bad grades because he didn't try in class, and when you knew you were being shipped off to fight in a war the next year, what was the point? "You were always that Bucky."

Bucky chuckled softly. "Not always. I wasn't as nice as you think I was."

Steve wasn't sure what to make of that. He'd never known Bucky to be anything but confident in himself, he didn't care what any one else thought. "You made me be better." Bucky said suddenly, and he avoided Steve's gaze. This time sheepishly, if Steve didn't miss his mark. "There were people who wanted to be my friend, or girls who wanted to date me even though I had that kinda reputation...but that's why they wanted to. Not 'cause they liked me, they'd didn't even know me. You were the only one that...saw _me_."

Steve felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. How many times had he thought that about Bucky? That despite everything, Bucky was the only one that ever looked at him and saw... _him_.

"If I didn't have you...I don't know where I'd be right now. I always knew in the back of my mind I had to make sure I came back to you. Had to make sure I took care of you. I wanted that. It was _mine_. It wasn't about babying you or thinking you couldn't take care of yourself...it was just...you were the only thing that mattered to me...still are, really." Bucky finally admitted, and he stared down at the ground as if afraid to hear Steve's response. "And then all the sudden you're Captain America...you could snap me like a twig." he laughed, but it almost sounded like a sob. "You got all these guys lining up to follow you...you could have any one you want by you now, and you wouldn't even need them anyway, you sure as Hell don't need me...so...I just...wasn't sure you'd still want me around."

Bucky had always seemed a little larger than life to Steve. Nothing fazed him, he was always strong, never gave up, he was always there, and always too kind for his own good where Steve was concerned. And now, still a bit banged up from his time with Hydra, probably exhausted from restless, nightmare-filled nights, confessing things Steve would never dream were possible...he seemed small, somehow, fragile as he shuffled his feet and rolled his fingers in anticipation of Steve's reply, and it was a side of Bucky he knew no one else would ever see. A part that no one else could reach. Just like the part of Steve that was still that 'scrawny kid from Brooklyn who was too dumb to run from a fight'. That Steve was Bucky's, plain and simple.

Steve wasn't sure what he was doing until he'd already done it. He'd stepped forward and pulled Bucky into a tight hug. For once, it was his arms around Bucky's shoulders. And after a moment, and a choked noise that again sounded suspiciously like a sob, he found Bucky's arms wrapped tightly around his waist as the other rested his face on Steve's shoulder. Bucky's fists clenched Steve's shirt, and Steve felt Bucky's body tremble just slightly. He kept one hand firm around Bucky, and used his other hand to rub Bucky's back soothingly. It couldn't have been long that they stayed that way, though it seemed hours had passed when Steve finally pulled away a bit. He kept Bucky at arm's length, a hand firm on his shoulder as he forced the other to look at him. Now he had something to say.

"You were right...somewhere in the back of my mind, no matter how I trusted you, and believed you...I was always waiting for that other shoe to drop. I couldn't see what you were getting out of it. And I was frustrated...because I felt the same, Buck...you were what mattered to me too, and I couldn't do anything for you. And I was...a little jealous of you. I hated that. Everything you did for me made me...love you more and hate you more at the same time. I wanted to protect you too...I wanted to be the only one you could rely on, that way you were for me."

Bucky looked up at him with a slightly open-mouthed expression, and he formed an _O_ before he laughed, and Steve frowned.

"Okay. I pour my heart out. You laugh. Fair enough." "It's not that...it's just...jeez, we're a pair, aren't we? How stupid can we be? We wanted the same thing the whole time, and the whole time we both had it all along."

"...Sounds about right." And it was Steve's turn to be a little sheepish. But then he added. "...It's gonna be a little different, there's no way it can't be...but don't ever think that I don't need you, Buck...or that there's any one I'd rather have watching my back or fighting by my side...I do need you. We've been together too long. I don't know how to live without you, not because of what you do for me but...just because we're...family."

Bucky drew in a long breath before he swallowed hard and nodded. "Till the end of the line...brother."

Steve felt his heart swell and after something that sounded suspiciously like a sniff on his part, he held out his hand. "Then it's settled. Together till the end."

Bucky eyed his hand, and then with a chuckle, he clasped their hands together even as he used his free arm to pull Steve into a tight, one-armed hug. "And probably even after. Whatever comes next, I'll still be keeping your pain-in-the-a**-self in line." Bucky drawled.

Steve laughed, and with a sudden smirk, locked his arm around Bucky's neck the way the other had always done to him as he ruffled his hair playfully. "And apparently I'll be keeping you on the straight and narrow, jerk."

"Punk." Bucky retorted as he scrunched his nose, but grinned.

The moon had passed the overhead mark in the sky, and was on it's way towards sinking in anticipation of the sunrise. Steve cast a glance skyward before he released Bucky. "We'd better get you back...I'll feel bad if I have to write you up for sneaking out after how sweet you were."

Bucky groaned. "I'm not gonna hear the end of this, am I?"

"Nope." Steve grinned cheekily as they walked along together.  The journey back was more light-hearted than when it had begun, and when they got back, Steve cleaned and bandaged Bucky's hand with minimal complaint on the latter's part. He made sure Bucky found his way to bed, he had been cleared to sleep outside of the medical tent, and Steve had arranged for Bucky to be his tent-mate.

"Night, Buck." Steve yawned as he got settled in his own bed.

"Mmm." Bucky mumbled in reply, "Y'too'Stevie." Despite his front, Bucky really was exhausted.

The pair drifted off to sleep, but their night wasn't over yet. Only a couple of hours later with sunrise yet a few hours off, Bucky's tossing, turning, and occasional moans woke Steve. It was another nightmare. Steve had let Bucky have them up till that point, because things had still been shaky and he hadn't wanted to push Bucky...but now...

"Buck...Bucky? Wake up, pal." he shook the other lightly as he sat on the edge of his bed. Bucky jerked awake with a gasp, a fist clenched instinctively before he saw Steve in the dim light and relaxed, though his breathing was heavy.

"Another nightmare?"

"It was nothing-"

"-Bucky." Steve's voice was a gentle chide as he set his hand on Bucky's shoulder. "I told you, didn't I? You can rely on me too."

Bucky hesitated, and then after a moment, his voice cracked as he spoke. "I'd come out of it, sometimes...the drugs would wear off...and it all...there was so much pain. What they did to me...over and over. I'd hallucinate sometimes. Sometimes I'd see you, sometimes I'd see mom, and they'd realize it sometimes...they'd tell me you were dead-because I didn't save you. They'd tell me they killed you, that they'd tortured you. They'd try to get a rise out of me, everything was an experiment and I was too messed up to think it through...that it was a lie...one time they..." he cut off, and he swallowed the bile in his throat.

"Go on, pal." Steve said softly as he squeezed Bucky's shoulder.

"...They dosed me...and then they showed me a body. Picked someone small, put his blood on my hands and said I killed him...that I killed you....I thought I was gonna die. They said they wanted to test me...I don't know what they were lookin' for. And then they went back to the torture and the physical experiments...I was so sure I was gonna die there...and when I close my eyes, I feel those straps and see those lights and..." he choked.

"Bucky..." His heart constricted as worry for his friend, a desire to wipe away his pain warred with anger and a desire for violence against the people who'd hurt Bucky. "And then I saw you...I don't think I knew for sure it wasn't a dream until we started walking back...till I felt the sun...you saved me, Steve...I..."

"You woulda done the same for me." Steve said with certainty.

Bucky smiled weakly. "Finally believe in me now, huh?" Steve thought about his answer, and he settled for. "I always believed in you, Buck...and now I believe in _us_ too. And you're not going back there. Ever. I'm gonna protect you." _Finally_ , he could.

Bucky blinked before his smile widened a bit. "You're such a girl, sometimes, y'know that?"

"Pfft. What was that about being good because of me?"

"You said you loved me." Bucky taunted back.

"I said I hated you too." Steve reminded him, without any malice, and a smirk.

"Fair enough." Bucky conceded, and after a moment, he said softly. "I love ya too, punk...thank you. I mean it."

Steve smiled, and he gave Bucky's arm a final squeeze. "Thank you too, jerk...I don't know where I'd be right now without you either."

"Probably woulda gotten your block knocked off for running your mouth so much." Bucky drawled.

"I always had 'em on the ropes."

"I know you did." Bucky chuckled. The pair fell into silence a moment before Bucky pinched Steve's side, and Captain America gave a rather undignified yelp. "Now get back in your own bed, you're creeping me out." he quoted Steve from not so long ago.

"Yeah, yeah, real funny, pal." Steve flicked his forehead in revenge, and Bucky scrunched his nose with a grin. Steve headed back to his own bed and settled in. "Tomorrow's gonna be a long day." he sighed, and when Bucky didn't reply, he glanced over at the other only to find him already asleep. He had no idea how Bucky managed to pull that off, even when they were kids. Steve snorted, then smiled as he closed his own eyes. Whatever came at them, they'd be ready. They'd be together till the end of the line [and thereafter, apparently, according to Bucky-which Steve certainly had no problem with].

..........

"You're my friend."   Steve smiled, because he knew it for certain truth, and there was no going back from that.

"You're my mission!"  But the Winter Soldier's face was no longer expressionless, there was a familiar confusion and fury in his gaze.

"Then finish it...because I'm with you till the end of the line."  Steve meant every word. They'd promised it, after all.

....

The Winter Soldier drug Captain America from the depths of the water, where he deposited him on the shore and studied the damnably familiar face. There was an echo in his mind, one that fueled an instinct he didn't understand. It said _protect_.

_"Your name is James Barnes."_

The Winter Soldier heard the approach of others, and he took his leave. But he couldn't get that man's face-Steve's face- out of his mind. It drove him to abandon protocol, and to a place called the Smithsonian Museum, where he stood before a memorial to a man named 'James Barnes', one with whom he shared a face.

_"Thanks, Bucky...but I can take care of myself."_

_"I know, but the thing is...you don't have to I'm with you till the end of the line, pal."_

"Bucky Barnes..." The Winter Soldier let the name roll off his tongue. It didn't sound all that familiar, but it didn't sound _wrong_ either. The Winter Soldier left the museum, and as he stepped outside and felt the sun on his face, he felt a strange tugging sensation in his chest where his heart was. "Till the end of the line." he murmured, and unknowingly, the ghost of a smile danced on his lips.

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

**Okay, wow. Originally, the summary for this story was going to be 'The one where Steve shamelessly uses his status as Captain America to cockblock Bucky and it leads to a much-needed conversation'. I have now stayed up way past my self-imposed bed-time, and indulged in copious amounts of fluff...and yeah. I'm good with that. It didn't turn into slash, I managed to keep it brotherly. XD Quite the feat, actually, because there were a few moments there....XD I digress! Reviews are like verbal hugs for me. Enjoy!~Witchy~**


	2. Mr. Not-So-Nice-Guy [PS]

**So.  On the other site I posted this on, I got faves, alerts, and reviews that nearly made my writer's heart cry for joy and asked me to continue.  So. I won't make a continuous story out of this, but I've got several ideas for lovely one-shots to be set in the same story-verse. I'll have the titles coded for the time they're in. PS=Pre-Serum, HC=Howling Commando, PWS=Post Winter Soldier. Expect fluff sweet enough to make your teeth hurt, heart break, and humor. Now remember. Reviews are what inspired me to continue. That's the power of hugging my soul with your words. XD Enjoy!~**

**Summary: _In which Steve gets bullied, Bucky plays nice in front of Steve, and the bullies learn not to touch Bucky's best pal later._ **

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

"Not always. I wasn't as nice as you think I was."

..........

"Not so tough now, are ya, midget?"

"Look at him, he's gonna cry for his mommy!"

The pair of seniors sneered as they succeeded in hurling fourteen-year old Steven Rogers into the trash cans.

But per his usual, Steve stumbled back up to his feet as he wiped a little blood from his bleeding lip. "The only ones who'll be crying are you two chuckleheads." he replied, as he geared up to punch them, only to find himself sucker-punched in the stomach.

The other teen lifted a foot to stomp Steve's head, only to be stopped by a left hook to the face.

The boy stumbled back as fifteen-year old Bucky Barnes stood before Steve and glared. He aimed a fast kick to the other boy's stomach that sent him stumbling back, and he put up his guard. "Next one of you dipsticks tries touchin' this guy, I'll knock yer block off." he snarled.

"Ooh, I'm so scared." One of the teens said. They were pudgy, bigger physically and several inches taller than Bucky to boot. Not that he was concerned.

One of the boys tried to punch him, and Bucky smirked. This was too easy.

....

"I coulda handled it, Buck." Steve mumbled as he brushed himself off and walked off with Bucky, who had taken the older boys down as easily as swatting flies.

"I know, pal. But I can't let ya have all the fun." Bucky replied smoothly as he clapped a hand on Steve's back with a grin. When he noted Steve's suddenly glum expression, he frowned. "What'sa matter?"

"I tore my shirt..." Steve had just noticed it, and he supposed he'd gotten it caught on a trash can lid. His mom didn't have money for new clothes, she wasn't going to like seeing the cut. She could sew it, but if he explained it was due to being bullied...she just got such a sad, resigned look on her face, so he never wanted to tell her.

Bucky knew this, of course, and he knew how much it would bum Steve out. Anger flared in his gut at the continued trouble those cowardly a**wipes had caused his best pal. "When I see those clowns again..."

"Don't!" Steve insisted. "It just makes it worse...then every one really thinks I can't take care of myself."

"No, then they know not to mess with my best friend." Bucky corrected.

"I mean it, Buck. Don't sink to their level...it's okay, really...I'll...just get Mom to sew it." Steve trailed off, glum again.

Bucky considered it and then loped an arm around Steve's shoulders with a smile. "Tell ya what, let's just have my mom do it. She's got'a soft spot for ya, so no problem. She's real good too, so your mom won't even notice."

"I don't want to cause any trouble-" Steve started, but Bucky cut him off.

"-It's fine, trust me, pal. Now smile, or else." Bucky warned as he waggled his fingers threateningly, Steve was more than his fair share of ticklish.

Steve grinned then, and leaned into the one-armed hug. "Thanks, Buck."

...........

"Now let's go over this one more time." Bucky said, his voice chilling as he smiled maliciously at the older teens. One had a split lip, one had a budding black eye, and both had been forced to strip down to their underwear.

Bucky had caught them hanging out near the alleyway they'd ganged up on Steve at. They'd tried to pick a fight anyway, which worked out since he'd been looking to start one. He thrashed them, and then he'd pulled out the cheap but sturdy pocket knife he'd gotten for his last birthday. Bucky had convinced them that they were gonna slashed if they didn't listen up, and he got them to strip down. He'd proceeded to knife their clothes to ribbons before tossing them into the trash.

Now, push come to shove, he never would have used the knife on _them_. But that didn't mean he couldn't put one Hell of a show on that he would.

"You ever... _ever_ mess with my pal again..." Bucky leaned forward with a leer and brandished the knife in front of them threateningly. "And I'll gut ya like a fish." he mocked. "And if ya wanna tell on me, go ahead. Let every one know you got your a**es handed to you by a freshman. I'll let them all know how you cried like sissies and ran home in your boxers. And then I'll finish what I started." he added coolly.

"Okay! Okay! We're good! Please!" One of the boys sobbed.

Bucky smirked and took a step back. "Now run." he snapped, and he laughed when they took off like rockets. They wouldn't be messin' with Stevie again, that was for sure.

...........

The next day, the rumors flew about how a certain pair of seniors had gone streaking through the town in their boxers. Different theories emerged, but the truth was kept quiet as Bucky figured it would be.

"Guess that's what they'd call 'karma'." Steve noted as he walked alongside Bucky. "I heard they picked a fight with a gang leader from another school. That's gotta be crap, but still...they pissed off the wrong person." He'd caught a glimpse of them, and they'd barely made eye-contact but he'd noted they seemed pretty beat up.

"Serves them right." Bucky drawled.

Steve's brow suddenly furrowed as he glanced at Bucky. "Buck...you didn't...have anything to do with it, didja?" But Bucky seemed distracted and he followed his gaze to where Sarah Parks was talking to some of her friends.

Bucky let out a loud whistle. "Look at that, Stevie...I know who I'm taking out tonight."

Steve nearly sighed. Bucky's attention span could be almost pathetically short sometimes, and throw a pretty girl in front of him and jeez. Nah, there was no way Bucky had done it. Sure, he'd get vicious protecting Steve and he had a temper, but to go out of his way to beat up and thrash them just for picking a fight? Plenty of guys had picked on Steve and hadn't got skinned for it. Bucky wasn't like that. Steve snorted. "Good luck with that."

"Well, thanks so much, oh ye'a little faith." Bucky had successfully distracted Steve from his suspicions without having to lie [which he couldn't have done-not to Steve], or admit what he'd done. "Just watch and learn, punk." Bucky ruffled Steve's hair before he smoothed his own with a wink and went off to make good on his boast.

"Jerk." Steve called after him with a laugh.

Bucky could kick their butts and let them off for the bullying, but there was no way he coulda gone easy on them for hurting Steve's feelings like that. Making him all sad and worried...that wasn't acceptable. They needed to learn a little respect, and Bucky was plenty willing to teach 'em.

Anything for Steve.

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

**I think Bucky does have a bit of a dark side anyway. Even where Steve's concerned [watch his expression in First Avenger when he tells them to cheer for Captain America. He grins all warmly at Steve, and then gets a twisted look on his face. He's got a few other similar expression throughout. He [brotherly] loves Steve to little bits and pieces, but he's also...well, like I said, got a dark side. XD And don't worry, this isn't counted as the teeth-aching fluff. Look forward to truth-or-dare with the Howling Commandos, Steve and the Winter Soldier dancing, and more! XD**


	3. A Change of Pace [HC]

**And so it continues! < 3**

**Summary: _Bucky is feverishly sick and a terrible patient. Steve is stubborn and protective, and now bigger than Bucky. Howling Commandos Era_. **

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

About a month and a half had passed since the rescue of the 107th, and Bucky found himself back in the medical tent _again_.

Needless to say, Bucky Barnes was not a happy soldier.

....

The trouble started on a simple grab-and-go mission, a few hostages held in a ramshackle old building. Captain America would bust in, ferret the bad guys out, and Bucky&co would sharp shoot them down. The captain would be free to rescue the hostages, easy peesy.

"You look a little pale, Buck...you alright?" Steve had asked with concern on the way over.

Truth be told, Bucky had felt like crap on toast. But he hadn't been about to admit that, least of all before a mission with lives on the line. He'd suck it up. "Right as rain, Captain." Bucky had smiled easily through the white lie.

So they infiltrated the building, the Captain made a showy entrance, the bad guys made a run for it.

Bucky fired. Bucky missed.

Bucky _never_ missed.

The man nearly got away and Bucky took aim and fired again. He hit his target, though he'd missed his intended mark. The hostages were safely recovered, and he looked down from the rafters to find Captain America waving at him and shouting something. He didn't have a chance to make out the words before he realized he'd fallen, and he fell unconscious as his head hit the floor.

.........

Apparently Bucky had a fierce fever and all the influenza symptoms to go along with it. But he didn't have time to be sick and he hated hospitals or anything resembling them.

Bucky waited until he knew the nurses were changing shifts and shucked his blanket off as he rose to make an escape. To his surprise, stars danced in his vision a moment as he stumbled dizzily. He told himself he wouldn't have fallen, but he hadn't gotten the chance to prove it as strong arms caught him by the shoulder and waist and suddenly slipped him back into bed.

"Get out of that bed again, Buck, and I will tie you down myself." Steve's voice was stern as Steve, now impossibly large and imposing whether he wanted to be or not, stood at Bucky's bedside and looked down at him with a frown.

Bucky grinned and waved a dismissive hand. "At least buy me dinner first, Cap." he teased.

Steve rolled his eyes. "I mean it, just rest, we've got a few days till the next mission anyway."

Bucky grimaced at the reminder. He'd nearly botched his portion of the mission, to say nothing of the fact Steve had had to carry Bucky back. It had always been Bucky's job to carry Steve, that it had been the other way around frazzled him to no end. In fact, that only fueled his determination to get up and prove himself capable. Bucky tried to sit up again, but Steve pushed him back down with a firm hand on his shoulder. "Look, pal, I appreciate the concern, but I'm-" he broke off into a coughing fit, and though he cleared it quickly, the damage was done. Steve looked more determined.

"Do I need to have a nurse sedate you?" Steve queried.

Bucky scoffed. "You wouldn't dare."

Steve lifted a brow, and the pair stared each other down a moment before a defiant Bucky swung his legs over the bed to rise.

"Clara...Nurse Clara!" Steve called, and Bucky blanched for more reasons than one.

The blonde nurse appeared in the doorway, all smiles and bounce. "Yes, Captain?" she giggled, apparently thinking their having danced at the bar made them bosom buddies.

"Sergeant Barnes here needs-"

"-A glass of water!" Bucky interrupted hoarsely. "Please." Bucky added. Steve started to open his mouth again and Bucky put his legs back on the bed as he hissed quickly. "You _win_." Steve's lips twitched into a smirk.

"Oh, sure thing, Sergeant, I'll be back in just a sec!" Clara flounced off and returned quickly with the water, before she returned to her duties.

When she was gone, Bucky fixed Steve with a frown and a bit of a sullen glare. "That's playing dirty, Rogers."

"I learned from the best." Steve quipped back cheerfully. He then pulled the blankets over Bucky and took a seat next to him.

"I was never this mean to you." Bucky groused.

It was Steve's turn to scoff. "If I tried to get out of bed, you'd practically sit on me. If I didn't eat, you'd force it down my throat. And the cough medicine..." Steve's expression suddenly turned uncharacteristically wicked as he grinned down at Bucky. "It's about time for your next dose too, isn't it?"

Bucky groaned. "This ain't fair, I tell ya."

"Why not? Turnabout is fair play."

"That was different."

"Oh, how so?"

Bucky wracked his admittedly throbbing head for a reason, and he couldn't find one. Finally he muttered. "I'm older than you."

Steve chuckled as relaxed in his seat to make his broad shoulders more apparent as he grinned at Bucky. "I'm bigger than you." And boy, did it feel good to be able to say so.

Bucky eyed him with false disdain. "I liked you better when you were small."

"Too bad." Steve replied, again cheerfully.

Bucky made a whining noise that became a cough, and Steve's expression became concerned. "I'll get your medicine...and I'll have them make some broth for you. You need something in your system."

"Don't worry about it." Bucky mumbled as he closed his eyes and dug his face into his pillow again. "Look, see? Sleeping. I'm fine. Get outta here before you get sick too."

"Super-soldier, remember? I can't get sick anymore." Steve reminded his best friend with no small amount of relish [and relief].

Bucky cracked an eye open to regard Steve with a slight frown. He didn't want to admit that the fact bothered him that he couldn't take care of Steve at all any more...but still, they'd talked through it and Bucky had no right to be glum. He really was glad Steve was how he was. Steve was finally happy, and the frail, asthmatic boy he'd protected would live a long life now. "You should get back anyway...the captain can't spend his whole day pining over one of his officers." Bucky teased lightly.

Steve watched him a moment, his head tilted slightly in the way that was oddly reminiscent of Steve from before. It was the look that made Bucky feel like Steve could see right through him. Steve rubbed Bucky's shoulder a moment as he rose. "Right you are...well, then, see ya later."

Bucky watched him walk off with more than a little surprise. He hadn't expected him to leave so easily. He supposed he could sneak off, or maybe that was what the little punk intended. But Steve didn't come back in and with a sigh, Bucky rolled onto his sigh to try and 'rest'. But his sole source of comfort and entertainment had just left. Bucky buried his face in his pillow with a frown.

_"Buck, I'm fine, really. You'll get s-sick!"_

_"You're shaking like a leaf, pal. I'm golden." Bucky had bundled Steve up in a thick blanket and then wrapped his arms around him while he tried to rub a little warmth back into the poor guy's shoulders._

_Steve was reluctant, but the warmth and familiar comfort of his best friend was too much to deny, and he leaned back into Bucky as he closed his eyes._

"If you were gonna miss me that much, why'dja ask me to leave, Buck?"

Bucky's gaze shot up as he found Steve before him again, a bowl of broth in one hand and medicine in the other. "That's why." he grumbled. "And who said I missed ya?" he snarked, but there was no malice in it and he was fighting a smile.

"It's your own fault, you know. You didn't have to take that dare."

Bucky snorted. "A real man never backs down from a challenge. And if I didn't, your little crush on a certain female officer woulda been public knowledge." he smirked in triumph when Steve flushed a little and promptly held out his cough medicine.  Bucky buried his head in the pillow again. 

"Don't be a baby. 'A real man never backs down from a challenge'." Steve mocked.

"Yu'cn'u'mwor'ugn'stme." Bucky's pillow muffled the reply. Steve had a pretty good idea of what he'd said. 'You can't use my words against me'.

"Think I just did, pal. Now take your medicine, I mean it. Captain's orders." Steve added sternly and Bucky reluctantly sat up and chugged it down.

"Happy now?" he asked with a grimace as the empty container back.

"Aren't I always?" It was Steve's turn to look triumphant as he offered Bucky the soup. "Now this."

"Ugh...wha'd I ever do t'you?" Bucky grumbled.

"Should I answer that alphabetically, or chronologically?" Steve teased.

Bucky started coughing again, and with a wince he closed his eyes and rubbed at his head. It was probably for the best he hadn't made it out of bed, he didn't relish the idea of being carried again. He looked up when he felt a weight on the bed, and saw that Steve had sat next to him with the bowl.

"Come on, Buck. You'll feel better."

"Unless you put a shot o'whiskey in that soup, I doubt it, pal." But Bucky sat up anyway and with a heavy sigh, took the broth and began sipping at it. "You're wasted as a captain, Stevie. Shoulda been a nurse. Nice little red, white, and blue dress."

Steve rolled his eyes and gave Bucky's leg a light pinch.

"Hey, don't pick on a guy when he's down!" Bucky added a couple of fake coughs for effect.

Steve chuckled and smiled for a moment before he said softly. "It's nice being able to take care of you for a change."

Bucky blinked as he considered that, and scrunched his nose. "It's not the first time I got sick."

"Yeah...but I was always sick. Even when you were, you'd keep trying to take care of me instead of yourself." Steve chuckled, but there was a hint of sadness past in his tone.

"Sounds like I had my priorities in line then." Bucky said simply as he busied himself with the broth.

"It shouldn't have been like that." Steve added quietly, and Bucky realized he wasn't being humorous anymore.

Bucky fought a sigh. His head hurt too damned much for this, but as usual, comforting Steve came first. Their conversation after the night at the bar had gone a long way towards easing their insecurities, but it couldn't fix every little thing. Steve acted like Bucky had made some kinda sacrifice in putting Steve first, but for Bucky, it just felt natural. Steve was his best friend, they were family. Who else was he gonna put himself on the line for?

"Yeah, it should have. Still is. I wouldn't have anything worth a thing if I didn't have you. Taking care of you's an investment." he announced as he continued on his broth.

Steve stared at him in surprise, and opened his mouth for what Bucky assumed would be an argument in Bucky's 'defense', but he just wasn't up for it.

"Honestly, my head's ready to burst, pal. Mind if we...don't get all sappy? And anyway, don't ya have to get back? I don't think the captain has time to play nurse all day."

Worry flickered in Steve's eyes at the mention of his head, and though he seemed like he wanted to say more, he let the matter drop and smiled. "Actually, I pretty much got the day off. Being captain has it's perks. Gotta keep an eye on my best officer. And make sure he doesn't do something stupid. Like trying to sneak out. Again."

Bucky snorted as he finished his broth and put it aside. But he looked pleased at the 'best officer' bit. "I'm not too bad. The boredom'll kill me before anythin' else." Steve's smile widened as he pulled out a pack of playing cards from his back pocket. "Well, don't keel over yet, Sergeant. I brought you a present."

Bucky eyed the cards with interest and a budding grin. "Aww, Stevie, you do care!"

"Well...they were for you, but...since I'm so _mean_."

"You're my best pal! Who said anythin' about'cha being mean?" Bucky feigned innocence as Steve rolled his eyes, and in the end both of them laughed. Bucky fell into another round of coughing, and Steve set a hand on his shoulder to rub his back comfortingly before the other settled.

"Are you really alright to play, Buck?" Steve asked, and the worried expression on his face was just like the Steve that Bucky remembered. It was nice to have little reminders of that sometimes. That Captain America was still the 'little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb to run from a fight'.

"I'm golden, pal." Bucky said dismissively, and Steve recalled another instance of that phrase with a fond smile.

"We'll see if you still feel that way after I beat you." Steve teased.

Bucky snorted again. "Just 'cause you got a little bigger, doesn't mean you can beat the _master_."

"Master of...what exactly?"

"Being amazing, obviously." Bucky said 'modestly', and he ruffled his collar a bit for effect, earning the big smile and laugh he'd hoped for.

"You're somethin' else alright, Buck."

"I'll take that as a compliment." Bucky replied dryly as he snatched the cards from Steve to start dealing.

Hours later, when Clara came in to end visiting hours [which were actually over a couple hours before that] she found Bucky asleep with a handful of cards, and Captain America passed out on the bed beside him, also with a pile of cards. Technically she should have asked the captain to leave at the end of visiting hours, but he'd asked for more time...she really couldn't leave him lying there...but...well, he was Captain America anyway, who'd really mind? She smiled as she turned off the lamps and headed off.

......

A couple days later, Bucky Barnes was back in action and taking part in their next mission. He walked alongside Steve as they prepared to infiltrate a 'secret' store of arms. Steve kept watching him [while pretending not to] and Bucky finally sighed. "I'm better! Stop mother-henning me, Steve, or I swear I'll punch ya."

"That's funny, coming from you." Steve replied as returned his gaze to the building ahead. A pair of soldiers suddenly darted out of the bushes ahead of them, and aimed a gun at Steve.

Bucky's hand moved in an instant as he cocked his gun and shot both men down. Bucky blew on the barrel of his gun for show and said 'sweetly'. "You're welcome, Captain."

"Jerk." Steve grumbled, though he was impressed.

"Punk." Bucky replied with a smug grin as they headed inside.

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

**I fell asleep writing and set my alarm a half hour early to finish...but I was so tired I laid in bed for like twenty minutes and didn't have time...XD Ah, well. Cute, funny, flufftasticness? A product of the truth-or-dare story I promised. And will write up. Soon. Ish. XD Reviews are verbal hugs. Thanks again for the support, people! You rock! Enjoy!~ Witchy~**


	4. Honestly Daring [HC]

**The promised Truth or Dare chapter. LET IT BEGIN! P.S. I'm not super-knowledgeable about the characters of the Howling Commandos, I just quick-read their wiki-snippets and have vague memories. XD So. Slack?**

**Summary: _The Howling Commandos have a long wait ahead of them and they're bored. Bucky suggests truth or dare. Bucky never passes up a challenge. Steve is shaking his head.  There's something in the bushes.  Frantic, confused gunfire ensues._ **

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

The moon had nearly reached it's half-way point in the sky by the time Bucky made the suggestion that would earn him a future trip to the medical tent. Not that he'd regret it, since Bucky Barnes was never one to back down from a challenge.

...........

"Boredom is a form of torture. It really is. The next time we need information from a prisoner, that's how we'll get it." Gabriel Jones decided as he stretched his legs, as if that would make leaning against an overturned tree any more comfortable.

The Howling Commandos had set up a make-shift camp and fire and settled in for a long wait. They were to meet up with a contact to get information and a few supplies for their next mission. But there was a large window of time open for the contact's arrival so waiting was all they could do for the time being.

Dugan snorted. "No objections here."

Steve regarded his team with amusement, although he was no less bored. A good six hours had passed since they'd arrived, and he knew the men were getting antsy. "I don't know, that seems pretty diabolical. I'm not sure they'd survive long enough to tell us anything."

Bucky chuckled as he tossed a stick into the fire just to watch it burn. Hell, watching paint dry had to be more exciting than this. But what was there to do in the middle of a forest? They weren't allowed to have alcohol, of course, so there wasn't even that to occupy or warm them. Speaking of which, it was getting pretty damn cold, the fire couldn't keep the chill out of the air. Reminded him of the old days a bit. It could get pretty chilly in Brooklyn when you couldn't afford a heater.

"That's it!" Bucky exclaimed as an idea from the old days suddenly struck him.

Several of the men tensed at the outburst, ready for an attack, and Steve eyed Bucky with a lifted brow. "Uh...what's it?" "Who's got an empty water canteen? Anyone?"

After a few exchanged glances, Jim Morita tossed his canteen over. "Have fun?"

"Oh, you better believe it." Bucky grinned in triumph, and Steve shot him a curious glance. "Ya've all played truth or dare before...right?"

Steve blinked and then laughed, Dugan grinned, Jacques Dernier smirked in a way that suggested he'd done much more than that, Montgomery Falsworth and Morita seemed puzzled, while Jones slowly grinned.

"Truth or dare being...what exactly?" Falsworth queried.

"No way! Y'never played? Ah, shoulda thought'a this sooner. We spin this little guy here," Bucky held up the canteen, "Whoever the cap lands on has to pick truth or dare. Truth, you gotta answer any one question honestly. Dare, you gotta do whatever you're dared to do. Easy enough, yeah?"

"Sounds better than nothing." Morita shrugged.

"Stop talking and spin the damn bottle." Dugan said, still grinning. F

alsworth seemed slightly dubious still, which was just his luck since when Bucky spun it, the cap landed on him. "Truth or dare, Monty?"

Falsworth scrunched his nose and then sighed. "Truth, I suppose."

"I got one." Dugan said. "How old were ya the first time you sowed the wild oats?"

Falsworth didn't seem to get the question at first, and then he coughed. "You know, that's a little private..."

"Gotta answer, rules are rules." Bucky grinned.

"C'mon, Monty, fess up!" Jones cheered.  Falsworth eyed them all before he muttered. "Nineteen."

" _Damn_!" Bucky exclaimed. "That old?"

"I waited by choice, thank you very much."

"Not by your choice." Dugan jibed and the men all laughed.

Steve felt for Falsworth, and he hoped he wouldn't have to admit that he still hadn't 'sown his wild oats'. Bucky knew, but he knew the other wouldn't throw him under the bus.

Falsworth sniffed indignantly, but he wasn't all that bothered as he spun the bottle and it landed on Dugan. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare." Dugan said firmly.

The men all considered it a moment before Jones grinned. "How about a song? Something sappy."

Dugan could be a vocalist when he was drunk. All gusto and no pitch-control, and it was a funny sight when he got to singing some of his dirtier ditties. But making him sing something sappy was going to be even funnier.

Dugan scrunched his nose. "Why the Hell would I know a sappy song?"

"You like Lana Lane, don't you?" Morita noted. "I've heard you humming her songs before."

Dugan scoffed, but the men all seemed in agreement and Dugan aqueisced. "What the Hell. Have it your own way. Let's see...ah...oh, okay." He coughed to clear his throat dramatically before he started belting out a woman's song to her man. Dugan used expressive gestures and did a terrible, off-key impression of a woman at the high parts. " _Annnd my man left me at the altar...to run off with another...now I'm broken-heeaaaarted and blue...so I'll go grab my gun and have a little fun_ -"

"Now you're makin' stuff up!" Jones laughed, but none of them minded as Dugan finished the song with parodied lyrics that had them roaring with laughter.

Dugan spun the canteen with a grin, and it landed on Dernier. "Truth or dare, Jack?" Dernier smiled slyly. "Truth."

Falsworth took the question. "Okay, you answer this one! When did you...you know. With the oats."

The men around them laughed, and Dernier lifted a brow.

Dugan was chortling. "Waste of a question. He's French. He was born sowing."

"I was twelve." Dernier announced smugly, and Falsworth seemed stunned while the other men hooted and hollered.

Bucky whistled. " _Vive le France_!"* And the men all laughed.

Dernier spun the bottle, and it landed on Steve, who had until that point been content to watch his team at play. He was particularly glad to see Bucky in high spirits. The nightmares had finally lessened, and he didn't see so many shadows in his eyes.

Steve inhaled as he thought it over and replied. "Truth."

"One honest answer from our very own Captain. Whatever will we ask?" Dugan chuckled.

"Mr. Goody-two-shoes never tells lies anyway. It's a cheat." Bucky teased.

" _Conformément à la tendance_..."* Dernier started. "Who holds Captain America's heart?" he drawled.

"Ooh! There's a good one." Jones chuckled.

"May as well." Dugan chuckled.

Steve, who had prepared a side-step answer for what he expected would be the wild-oats question, was caught off guard. "My...my heart?"

"Y'know. Little red thing that pumps the blood in your chest." Jones clarified.

Steve thought of Agent Carter, her deep eyes and that silky voice...the slinky appearance she'd had in that _red dress_...and swallowed hard. He couldn't admit that. It was...no way.

"The answer's in the name, guys, he's Captain _America_. His heart belongs to his country." Bucky drawled as he clasped his hands and batted his eyes, and the men laughed. "Come on, gimme that." he snatched the canteen.

"The captain didn't answer." Falsworth pointed out. "And it's cheating to take it, isn't it?"

Steve had a feeling Bucky knew exactly who he'd been thinking about and why he didn't say anything. And as usual, Bucky had come to his rescue.

"It's not _cheating_ , it's manuvering." Bucky clarified.

"Well, then, truth or dare?" Dugan drawled.

Bucky grinned. "Who'dya take me for? Dare. And it better be a good one."

"Oh, is that so?" Jones queried as the men mulled it over.

Dugan beat them to the punch. "Okay. I got one." There was a small river about sixty feet off, shallow and slow-running, but it'd do the trick. "The river over there." he inclined his head. "Jump in it-"

"Dang, that's gonna be cold." Jones noted.

"If he'll do it." Morita seconded.

"'Course I'll do it. A real man never backs down from a challenge. If you can call it that." Bucky, cocky as always, drawled as he started to rise, and Steve frowned at him in concern. He didn't want to mother-hen in front of the guys, but even if it wasn't as cold as it presently was, he didn't think it was a great idea.

"Hey, now, you didn't let me finish!" Dugan interrupted. "You gotta jump in in your birthday suit."

There was a split moment of silence, before a mixture of catcalls and laughs filled the air.

"Oooh, that's gonna be fun." Jones laughed.

Bucky had paused at the rest of his dare, and he looked to the smirking, grinning men who were staring at him expectantly.

"Well, c'mon, Barnes. Are you a _real man_ or not?" Dugan taunted.

"C'mon, guys, he doesn't have to..." Steve started.

"That's all?" Bucky interrupted as he started to pull off his jacket and his shirt. "I'll show you sissies how it's done."

"All the way in." Dugan emphasized. "No dipping your feet."

"Sounds great." Bucky drawled, and the men chuckled.

Steve caught Bucky's gaze for a second, and Bucky knew that troubled, worried expression all too well. He shot Steve a confident grin and winked, and while Steve didn't seem relieved, he sighed and shook his head.

Bucky got down to his boxers, and in the flickering firelight, Steve could see more than few scars that he knew weren't from his regular missions. They were from Hydra. The sight made his stomach clench, and the urge to protect Bucky rose within him. But he couldn't protect Bucky the way he'd like, they were soldiers, they were at war...and Bucky was going to do what he wanted. Steve just had to do the best he could.

"Boxers off too, Barnes." Dugan said with a smirk.

"Yeah, yeah. Just didn't want to make you sorry chumps jealous." Bucky taunted. He fought a shiver, determined to keep a brave face despite the task ahead of him. This wasn't going to be fun, but he'd sure put on a show.

"He can take 'em off by the water, I don't wanna see that crap." Jones scoffed, grinning though.

"Someone should go with him, make sure he goes in."

Bucky rolled his eyes. "You don't trust me?"

"I'll go." Steve offered as he rose.

"They're sandbox buddies, that's no good." Jones commented.

"Captain America never lies, remember?" Falsworth pointed out.

Dugan grinned. "I'm good with that, have fun, Barnes."

Dernier tossed him a small blanket. "You'll need that."

Bucky caught the blanket and grinned. "Be right back." It was dark out, but there was enough moon and starlight that he could decently navigate. When they were out of earshot of the men, Steve touched put a light hand on his arm.

"You don't have to do this, Buck." Steve said seriously.

Bucky snorted. "And never hear the end of it if I didn't? Hell no. Anyway, it's fine. You know I've done worse." he grinned wickedly at Steve, who fought the urge to smile even as he shook his head.

"You'll get sick." Steve advised.

Bucky scoffed. "I never get sick, don't be such a girl."

"I guess we'll see, jerk." Steve shrugged knowingly. And then he added. "Thanks for...back there."

"You mean the part where I saved your sorry butt from having to admit you got it bad for Miss. Peggy?" Bucky's grin was broad and playful as he teased the other.

"Agent Carter." Steve corrected, and he flushed. He was saved from further discussion on the topic as they reached the water's edge. Steve dipped a hand into it experimentally, and he shuddered. "Last chance to back out, Buck."

Bucky eyed the water with a frown, and a bit of a sigh before he grinned bravely and took off his boxers. "Bucky Barnes never backs down." And so saying, he took the leap.

"I told you so." Steve said as they headed back. Bucky had put his boxers back on and wrapped the blanket around himself.

"I'm f-fine." Bucky's teeth chattered a little, and he cursed as he shivered.

Steve's humor fell as he regarded Bucky with concern. "I can give you my-"

"I'm _fine_." Bucky said firmly as they reached the other men, and the vulnerability that he was willing to show Steve faded as he grinned and shook wet hair at them. "Nothing like a midnight dip, boys."

"He went in, boxers off. I saw. Unfortunately."

There were some cheers and whistles from the men, and laughs at Steve's comment, and Dugan nodded his head, impressed. "Gotta hand it to ya, Barnes, wasn't sure you had it in you." he grinned and teased.

In response to Steve's comment, Jones chuckled. "I didn't figure there was much to see." he jibed.

Bucky lifted a brow while the other men _oohed_ and laughed. He cocked his hip a bit and said saucily. "Oh there's plenty. More than you can handle, that's for damn sure."

Laughter erupted through the men and even Steve was grinning.

Bucky tried not to show how eager he was as he discarded the blanket and put his dry clothes back on. "Oh ye of little faith." he drawled, before a sudden crack from the bushes not far off drew their attention. The men were up in an instant as they grabbed their arms and got into defensive stances. Bucky pulled a hand-gun at the ready and he joined Captain America in being the first line of defense moving towards the sound.

There was another rustle, and Bucky took aim at the bush as they approached slowly. "Come out slowly, if you value your life." Bucky called out, and there was no response. He and Steve exchanged a tense glance. Boredom had surely flown out the window now.

If it had been their contact or an ally, they would have gotten a response. It could only be an enemy. Bucky glanced to Steve who nodded, and about ten feet from the bush, Bucky fired into it.

" _Reeee_!" came a shriek as a raccoon darted out of the bushes and right at Falsworth, not far behind Bucky.

None of the men had expected it, and the snarling ball of fur that charged Falsworth caused the man to jump back with a yelp while Jones and Morita each fired shots on instinct.

"Hey, watch it!" Dugan jumped back, while Dernier had chosen to fire in response to the other men doing so.

The raccoon gave another screech and the men were all in a flurry a moment to find the creature, who then took off into the forest.

There was a long, silent moment as the men-hearts racing and bodies tensed, suddenly burst out laughing.

"Did you see his _face_." Jones was laughing hysterically.

"You're white as a sheet, Monty." Bucky clapped his leg and laughed.

"It could have happened to any one. A big, vicious raccoon like that..." Morita grinned, and the men laughed in response.

Steve rolled his eyes, and Bucky grinned. "You were looking a little nervous there, Cap." He tended to save 'Steve' and 'Steve' for when they weren't in the company of other soldiers, although all knew about their long-time friendship anyway.

"Seeing your reflection in my eyes, maybe?" Steve retorted.

"Well, that was more fun that I thought we'd be having this evening." Falsworth coughed and said.

"Apparently." said another voice, and a mustachioed French man regarded them with lifted brows. Behind him, a small wagon and four other men stood watching them with varied expressions. The contact.

The Howling Commandos all straightened, back to business as they shot each other guilty expressions. "I'm Captain Steve Rogers-"

"-Raccoon hunter, yes, I've seen." The contact seemed amused, which was a relief, because it meant he probably wasn't going to go back and report that they'd been...occupied.

Steve coughed and grinned sheepishly as he held out his hand to shake the contact's. "It was a long night."

"Jim Mercer. And it's not over yet, my friend." As the Howling Commandos made their way back to the fire and the awaiting wagon, the men exchanged a glance behind Steve's and Jim's respective backs.

Dugan pointed at Falsworth. " _His face_." he whispered.

Bucky made his fingers like claws and bared his teeth at Falsworth, who-in a very uncharacteristic move, flipped him off.

Several men had to clap their hands over their mouths to keep from laughing aloud, and as Steve glanced back at them, Bucky shot him an innocent grin. Steve just shook his head with a smile and returned his attention to the contact.

Bucky and Dugan looked at each other, and silently laughed.

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

**The ending was a little silly, but I didn't have a more clever way to do it and the whole story was silly, so...XD It was longer than I thought it'd be. But it was fun to write. I felt like I was chilling with them. XD Bucky had to get buck naked. I almost made that a joke in there but birthday suit seemed more applicable. Anyway! I spent way too much time of my few hours after work measuring myself because I'm biting the bullet and ordering a costume since I still haven't learned to make them. I'm going to be the Winter Soldier and Loki. And I'm excited. And I digress. Again. Point being that this is likely all I'll be able to have written for the night. XD Now that I've got you all lulled into a false sense of security...the next chapter is going to be heartbreaking. Hopefully. [I can't decide if it's sad or idealistic that I'm hoping that? XD] It's called Snowfall. And let's just say that it's to do with Bucky and a certain traumatic incident. XD Thanks for the support, peeps! You rock my world! Enjoy! ~Witchy~**  
  
P.S.  Vive le France is 'long live France', and Dernier said 'keeping up the pattern'.  Google translate did that for me.  So if it's not accurate...that's why.  XD   



	5. Snowfall [HC]

**I don't even know if I'm ready for this. But I'm going to try. Oh, gosh. Oh, jeez. Okay. Stalling done. Maybe. ;-; P.S. There's a reference to long-sleeves and blackened eyes. It's long-sleeves to hide the bruises his father gave him, and blackened eyes that he's given others during fights. Just to clarify, that's the history I'm rolling with. I suppose you could think of the shadow as the darkness in his heart.**

**Summary: _Bucky falls. Bucky forgets. But not before he remembers. Heaven is an illusion of the mind._ **

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Bucky Barnes had felt a shadow on his shoulder all his life. He hid it well; in smiles and jokes, in long-sleeves and blackened eyes, in the sunny face of the only worthwhile thing he'd ever had. But it was always there, a waiting specter, a reminder of who he was and where he'd come from, and of the dark stain that lingered in his heart. One that no light could pierce, one that in his rare, quiet moments of introspection, he allowed himself to wonder about. He wondered if it would swallow him whole.

And then he remembered; he couldn't ever let that happen. Because there was someone more important to him than himself. Bucky recalled the blinding light of the existence he'd decided to devote himself to, the one that burned him even as it saved him. It was a light the shadow could never stand up to, it was the way Steve had always protected Bucky, although he'd never known it.

That is, until a certain woeful day deep in a vast, arctic wasteland. There, amidst the desolate, icy tundra, the shadow met Death.

And Winter was born.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_Bucky Barnes was falling._

He'd known it was coming the moment he'd been whipped out the train. His fingers, half-frozen, gripped the railing as the train roared along the tracks. He saw Steve's panicked face, his desperate attempt to reach him and Bucky tried to take that hand. But in his heart, he knew. The way he'd always known somehow when Steve was in trouble, the way he'd had a sense of a situation before he'd gotten to it, the way he could fire his gun in an instant and never miss his mark. There was a certain sense of stillness, an eerie calm, and despite the frantic beating of his heart and the desperate, agitated desire to live, there was acceptance. Not willing, but innate, because he was Bucky Barnes and Bucky was pragmatic to the end.

But he'd reached, almost as desperate to wipe that anguished look from Steve's face as he was not to die. He wanted to live. It wasn't that he had any grand plans, it was hard to think ahead to the future meaningfully when you were a soldier. When any minute could be your last, even a year seemed like a vast expanse of time to worry about. Bucky lived for the moment. A hard-won rest after a successful mission, that little nip off a bottle with a greasy burger in a dive joint with his team, Steve's stupid, blinding smile when Bucky stood by his side, the satisfaction that he had protected that smile and the goofy kid who'd smiled it.

For those little moments, Bucky ached. A raw hunger filled him, a lust for each of those fleeting moments, an insatiable curiosity for what came next in the pattern.

The railing broke, and Bucky screamed. It was a welling not just of fear, but of desperate frustration, of anger, of all that he'd left unfinished, of the fact that Steve was still on that damned training and getting farther away. They said your life flashed before your eyes, but all Bucky could see was Steve's miserable face. All he could hear was the roar of the train. All he could think of were regrets. Maybe that was the sum of his life. He reached towards the sky, an instinct to hold on overtaking the simple logic that there was nothing left to hold on to. He wondered if it would hurt, wondered what came next, wondered what Steve would do-

- _Bucky's body slammed into a ridge of the mountain before it slammed into the ground with a sickening crack.  Blinding white filled his vision before everything went black._

Bucky's eyes opened, raw slits that granted blurred vision. He had been cold, and expected pain, but in that moment there was nothing.  Bucky felt disconnected; or didn't feel, or couldn't; he wasn't sure. Dimly, he was aware of concepts like life and death, but he wasn't sure of either. That he existed at all was a backdrop in his mind in a haze of confusion and numbness. Broken thoughts flitted in and out of his mind.

_Dead...Steve...Fell...Mission...Cold...No...Stop..._

"You don't look too good, pal." A voice chimed, and familiarity pierced Bucky's haze as his eyes slid slightly over to the source. Steven Rogers as he'd been at about thirteen looked down at him in concern. His clothes were a little ragged, too-big shorts and a baggy shirt, and hand-me-down sneakers. Bucky wanted to remind him to bundle up, it was too cold for him to be outside-he'd get sick.

"Steve..."

But wait, Steve get sick any more. He was a super-soldier. Except that he wasn't, because he was here, and he was Bucky's Steve again...but wasn't he always?

"Bucky?" Steve queried in concern, head tilted with wide, worried eyes as he crouched down beside Bucky.

"M'fine." Bucky murmured, and he found the words felt thick as they bubbled from his lips. He tried to lift a hand to punch Steve's shoulder lightly in reassurance, but it didn't seem to want to move.

To an outsider, the scene looked very different. A pool of red quickly staining the snow, and a broken-up young soldier in the center. Bucky's left arm was gone, and when he 'spoke', his lips didn't move at all. He just made a choked sound in the back of his throat as he wheezed air out of his broken lungs. To an outsider, the soldier was completely alone.

Steve snorted lightly and pursed his lips. "You don't look fine...I told you to be more careful. You're too reckless."

"I'm never reckless...I'm amazing..." Bucky corrected with a thin smile. He felt that there was something he was supposed to remember, that there was some place he was supposed to be. But he was tired, and Steve was with him, so it could probably wait.

Steve rolled his eyes. "That's a word for it." Bucky coughed and Steve tilted his head. "You're getting sick, aren't you? I told you this would happen." Steve chided with fond exasperation.

"I never get sick...then who would take care of your scrawny butt?" Bucky laughed, and it still felt strange. He was starting to feel strange all over, actually. The hazy-numbness was feeling more and more like...nothing. The nagging feeling that some thing was off caught up to him as he tried to think.

To the outside, it would seem as though the man had just coughed and choked up blood.

_"This isn't payback, is it?"_

_"I had 'em on the ropes."_

_"Bucky!"_

_The railing broke, Bucky fell, and train roared off into the distance-stealing the light away._

Bucky gasped as his chest constricted, and the pain nearly reached through the haze. His breath caught in his throat as blood bubbled on his lips.

But dimly, through the haze, he remembered. And he remembered what he knew.

"I'm dying." he whispered.

Steve's smile was sad as he said softly. "Yeah, you are, Buck."

"I don't wanna die."

"I don't want you to either." Steve whispered.

"You're not real." It occurred to him suddenly, and he stated the fact with painful simplicity.

"I'm real to you." Steve offered. "Isn't that okay this time?"

_The last time._

Bucky spluttered as he gagged on his own blood, and he managed to tilt his head enough for it to dribble out slowly. His breaths were jagged and he wheezed.

"Better than nothin'." Bucky mumbled, and as he tilted his head, he vaguely caught sight of the red in the snow. Red meant...blood. He was bleeding. "My arm's gone." he noted, and then he cried. The tears wouldn't come so easily, but the increasing blur in his vision gave him some assurance they were there. Black lined the edges of said vision, and his sense of _knowing_ said time was running out.

When his eyes slid back to Steve, he was crying too, silent tears streaming down that baby-face. He wanted to wipe them away, but one arm was gone and the other wouldn't move. But Steve wasn't really there, so he couldn't have anyway, could he?

"Guess this is the end of the line, pal." Bucky grinned, or tried to. He was aware now that his face wouldn't respond, aware that the words he was speaking were more in his head than anything else. Maybe he wasn't really alive at all, maybe it was all a dream. Maybe he was already dead. But Steve was crying. That wasn't okay no matter what.

Steve smiled a little, and with a familiar sniff, shook his head. "Whatever comes next...we'll still be together, Buck. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Bucky wondered vaguely if Steve really felt that way, or if this was what he wanted to hear. It didn't matter really, because as far as dying went, this wasn't the worst last thing to see and hear. Probably it was the best, except if it were really Steve. Because he had to make sure he wasn't crying. Bucky wanted to see that smile one more time. That'd be alright, wouldn't it?

"I don't think we're headed for the same place, Stevie." Bucky chuckled lightly.

Steve's expression spoke volumes about his disagreement with that notion, but he finally sat beside Bucky and hunched his small back over as he looked down at Bucky with a light smile and serious eyes. "Then I'll just follow you, Buck. Wherever you go, I'll go to. If you'll wait for me. You're a good person though, so I know we'll be going to the same place."

Bucky laughed, and realized it was a sob. He wanted Steve so badly then it hurt. Bucky wanted to hold him, feel that small, fragile body again, that reminder that he could do something right in his life. He wanted to be that Bucky to that Steve, the one who was strong, and brave, and kept him safe, and warm, and protected that smile. And then Captain America flitted in his mind, and that wasn't so bad either. Because inside, he was still Bucky's Steve, and he still felt like home. _That's it_...Bucky realized with a faint smile. _I just wanna go home_. "Anything good about me came from knowin' you, Stevie. I'm only good for you."

"That's not true." Steve chided lightly, though he smiled fondly and when he reached a hand out to brush a strand of hair from Bucky's forehead, Bucky swore he could feel that small hand on his cheek when he couldn't feel anything else. "You saved me before you even knew me. You're a softy at heart, Bucky Barnes." Steve teased lightly.

"Just you." Bucky murmured. "If I didn't know you...I wouldn't be soft. Nobody ever gave a damn about me till you...anythin' I know about...'bout taking care of someone...bein' loyal..bein' a friend...havin' somethin' to protect...lovin' someone... _family_...it's all been you. You kept me from bein' cold." he admitted. Because it was the last, and finally, the words came to him.

Steve seemed surprised, which was funny, because wasn't he in Bucky's head? Didn't he know everything already? But then Steve's smile grew as he shook his head. "You're such a dummy sometimes, Buck. You're the only reason I was warm in the first place." he poked Bucky's forehead lightly. "Being with you made me feel like a whole person...just you." he echoed Bucky's earlier words. "You said I was too dumb to run from a fight, Buck...but really...I just didn't wanna disappoint ya. I wanted you to be proud of me."

Bucky's vision clouded over with tears, and he wasn't sure if he was crying or laughing, or alive or dead anymore, or if this was wishful thinking or the truth and he didn't care. His heart swelled. "I'm always proud of ya, Stevie. My brother is a damn hero. Even before the serum."

Steve's mouth formed an _O_ before he smiled and set his hand on Bucky's chest. "That's funny...cause I always thought the same about you. You were always my hero, bro."

Now Bucky knew he had to be dreaming, but he didn't care. He smiled through his teary vision until he felt something. It started near his hand and then ran through his torso, and soon his whole body was thrumming with a tingling that turned into a searing pain. All of the sudden, it felt like fire even though he was in the frigid snow.

Steve's smile turned sad again, and he slid his hand down into Bucky's remaining hand. And Bucky felt like he could feel it, that small, warm hand in his. A lifeline. Bucky gripped it tight enough to hurt, although in reality his fingers did little more than twitch, and Stevie just smiled. "It's time, huh, Buck?"

"T-Think so." Bucky whispered through the pain, and he gasped as he felt something shift in his stomach and crack. An organ that finally gave out, maybe. He wasn't sure, didn't care to think on it or have the presence of mind to. "Don't leave." Bucky added, and he was desperate not to let that hand go.

Steve bent over then, and he met Bucky's gaze a few inches apart. "We promised, right? Till the end of the line... _and after_...I'm not leavin' ya, even if you are a jerk."

"Punk." Bucky laughed weakly, as a well of gratitude and love welled in him. "It'sa promise, Stevie...till the end of the line and after..."

Steve's smile was like the sun, and all the pain eased right out of him as Steve bent down and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. "See ya soon, Buck."

Bucky opened his mouth to reply, only to find that he couldn't speak.  There were no words, or lips, no feelings or sight, there wasn't darkness or light.  Bucky was, and then he _wasn't_.

................

Eyes opened slowly. Mixed sensations assailed him. Thoughts flitted through his mind, but they lacked substance. There was nothing, everything was blank. Lights were above him, but they were fluorescent and hollow. They weren't real light, somehow that innate knowledge occurred to him. That was why he was covered in blackness, because only real light could remove it. And there was no light.

"Steve..." A name bubbled from his lips. He had no knowledge of it. It wasn't intentional, or cognizant. The fact that he had spoken was unknown to him. He remembered nothing, he had no sense of self, and that he existed at all was a vague notion in his mind.

But this time, all the same, the man had spoken-with real words and a voice, and lips that moved at his unbidden will.

This time was no illusion.

And that time, there was no answer.

......................

The Winter Soldier sat on a bench in a quiet, ill-used park. His posture was tense and out of place in the quaint area. He had seen the Smithsonian Museum, he had seen the stranger with his face, and he had begun to feel a strange pain in his chest accompanied by flashes and snippets of memories he didn't understand. Were they real? How could he measure a product of the mind? What did it matter? What did it mean?

_"Then finish it, because I'm with you till the end of the line."_

And somewhere, buried deep inside of a hollow, programmed existence, was a spark of light. A life that remained tucked away in a corner of a heart that couldn't erased by time, or by torture. One that a shadow couldn't touch. One that resonated to that man from the bridge, his friend.

_"It's a promise, Stevie."_

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

**Oh my gosh. My heart. And soul. Aghh. May have overindulged in schmoop. But. Yeah. It seems reasonable to me. Bucky's lying broken in the snow, slowly dying. In his head, he's not really aware of reality, he thinks he's talking and such, in actuality he's just a broken mess in the snow. He becomes more aware, and he just pours his heart out because it's Steve and it's all that's left and it's the little ray of hope in sunshine in his last minutes of life. It's his brother. Except that he doesn't die, he wakes up without himself, in a cold, grim Hydra lab. Steve would so be his last thoughts though. And it was so heart-wrenching that I had to kind of slightly make it a happy ending. Because Bucky's heart has light after all and he loves Steve forever, aaaaand yeah. Winter Soldier doesn't stand a chance. XD Okay. Gosh. I need coffee or something. Next chapter involves a reforming Winter Soldier and Steve dancing. And Tony with a camera. [Tony secretly ships Stucky, I'm sure] Anyway! Yay for un-heart-breaking feels! Thanks! Enjoy! With tears in your eyes? ;-; ~Witchy~**


	6. Dancing With Destiny [PWS]

**I told myself to be in bed by 10:40. That's only fourteen minutes away. I don't know what's about to happen here. Son of a biscuit. XD And meanwhile. As I waste my writing time writing pointless author notes...ENJOY!  Brotherly feels, by the by, but Stucky if you squint.  XD  
**

**Summary:** _**Bucky is still recovering himself from the Winter Soldier. Steve has an idea to help him remember. Tony is a camera-whore and [secretly] ships Stucky. Bucky and Steve have no idea what Stucky is. They're cute anyway.** _

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

About a month and a half had passed since Bucky had essentially shown up at Steve's doorstep and never left. And Steve was entirely more than okay with that.

They were currently staying at Stark Tower, which had proved to be an invaluable resource for a recovering Winter Soldier. And slowly but surely, Bucky had made progress. He'd gone from silent-and-scary-as-Hell to quiet-and-somewhat-intimidating, as a friend of Thor's, _Darcy_ , had summed it up.

That particular day, Bucky was hunched up in the corner of the couch as he watched Steve fiddle with a computer. Steve said he had something he wanted to show Bucky, but Steve wasn't exactly computer-friendly. After a moment, he started lightly. "I could-"

"I've got it." Steve snapped in a way that wasn't really a snap, more like self-irritation and what Bucky had come to recognize as _familiar stubbornness_.

Bucky had a long way to go, he knew that. He still spent his nights tucked in corners because the bed was too soft. Still only slept a few hours because of the nightmares that he now had enough emotional capacity to wake up screaming from. He still had to remind himself to do things like eating, he had to retrain himself to listen to his biological needs instead of ignoring them.

But there were good things too. He had memories, and expressions, and he could _feel_ things. Things had started to strike him as _funny_ again, and he found himself smiling sometimes, usually because of Steve. And while he was hesitant to get too close, because he still feared losing control- _hurting Steve_ \- and because he felt like he broke everything he touched, he found himself generally in Steve's company. It was a role reversal, he had enough memories to know _that_. Because Steve used to follow him everywhere, and now he was following Steve.

"Aha!" Steve exclaimed, and his note of triumph at getting the computer to do what was probably a simple task made Bucky's lips quirk. "It took awhile to find...but thankfully someone out there likes the oldies...Funny callin' it that. Okay, get ready for this...here we go."

Bucky wasn't sure what he was supposed to be doing, since he couldn't see the screen from his vantage, but he quickly realized that that wasn't the point as music emerged from the computer. A little scratchy, an older recording, but as he listened he could tell that it was more than familiar. Little flashes of memories and snippets of conversations flashed in his mind, and he felt there was something about this song he ought to remember in particular.

" _I've got a dame so rare and fine...I'd do anything just to make her mine.._ "

Steve came up to the side of the couch looking quite pleased with himself, and he stared at Bucky with a now-familiar mixture of expectation and hope. He was always trying to get Bucky to remember, to be _Bucky_ again. Bucky wasn't sure how possible that was, but he knew at least he'd do anything for Steve, he would try.

"It's...familiar."

Steve beamed. "You were pretty crazy about this song for awhile...when you taught me to dance, you were singing this song."

Bucky blinked. "I...taught you to-" A flash of memory struck him, and he winced. Headaches were something else he had to deal with nowadays. "I...might remember." Bucky said uncertainly.

Steve's expression fell just slightly, but he was quick to hide it as always, as if Bucky didn't notice. He smiled as he held out his hand, and Bucky stared at it without understanding. "You always loved dancing. How about it?"

"You want...to dance?"

"Isn't that what I just said?" Steve smiled patiently as he kept his hand out, pleased when Bucky slipped a hand into his own.

"I'm...a little rusty. You might have to...remind me." Bucky's expression was a mixture of uncertain and sheepish, and Steve didn't mind either. He glad to _see_ expressions on Bucky's face again. And as it did whenever Bucky was trying to remember, or wasn't quite sure of himself, his speech halted a bit.

" _I swear in the moonlight, she's an angel divine. Nothing like that sweet dame of mine_."

"Are you asking me to lead, Buck?" Steve teased lightly.

"Well, bossy as you are...figured you'd wanna." Bucky retorted with a small smile. Neither the smile nor the joke held Bucky's passion, but it was plenty enough to make Steve's heart swell. Bucky was back, he was _here_. That was enough in itself.

Steve guided Bucky's hand to his shoulder, and then laced the fingers of their other hands together. That meant his fingers were entwined with Bucky's metallic ones, and when the other tensed and the smile slip, he knew that the other was uncomfortable. "You're not gonna hurt me, Buck. Relax."

Bucky seemed surprised and then a bit guilty, like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "I just..." he trailed off, and Steve cut in for him.

"You're Bucky. _All_ of you. I trust you. So trust yourself, okay? Now stop yammerin' and follow my lead." Steve ordered playfully, and he tried not to wince as Bucky jerked at the order instinctively. The need to follow orders was a little harder to correct than some of his other issues.

Steve started them off slowly, and he noted the way that Bucky watched their feet carefully at first, and seemed to be counting his steps. And then all at once, Bucky smiled and met Steve's gaze. "I _do_ remember. You were all left feet."

Steve snorted. "I didn't exactly get a lot of practice, Buck."

Bucky whirled them around suddenly, and Steve's brows lifted in surprise. Given their positions, Steve was supposed to be the one leading, but he didn't care one way or the other so long as Bucky was happy. "If those girls could see you now." Bucky drawled.

"In my red, white, and blue tights?" Steve joked.

"I was talking about the part where you get to dance with _me_." Bucky teased. "But the tights are nice selling point."

Bruce had mentioned that music might be great for Bucky, 'music soothes the savage beast' and all that, [not that Bucky was a beast or any variation thereof], but it certainly seemed to be the case. Bucky had a little gleam in his eyes and an actual smile.

"We could always get you a pair." Steve offered, pleasantly surprised when Bucky snorted lightly.

"And rain on your parade? I wouldn't dream of it." Bucky's speech patterns were different from the old days, but their quips were much the same and Steve ate it up.

The song neared it's completion, and Bucky seemed to take more notice of it. Steve didn't realize he had been humming until he heard Bucky start to sing a little. Quiet, a little hesitant, but with the rumbling, Brooklyn drawl he'd missed so much. " _Got a dame who's always on my mind...I'd do anythin' to make her mine..._ "

" _And even though I don't remember all the words...I'm gonna sing with Buck_ -" Steve had started lowly, and Bucky blinked incredulously before he gave a short bark of laughter as the song ended.

"You're...a goof, Steve."

Steve grinned. "What's that say about you, since I'm your best friend?"

"That I have incredible taste." Bucky drawled without the hesitation he would have had before, in the first few weeks of his arrival.

Their hands were still locked together as Bucky and Steve smiled at each other, and then Bucky licked his lips as he thought of how to phrase what he wanted to say. "Thank you, Steve...for everything."

Steve scoffed. "I should be thanking _you_...If-" he cut off as he heard a click, and he found Tony Stark in the doorway with a camera and waving impatiently.

"Go on, we don't have all day. And by 'we' I mean 'me'...because I do occasionally pretend that I have actual work to do around here." He snapped a few more photos as Steve and Bucky pulled apart.

"Stark-" Steve growled. "That camera is going in the gutter. Along with your mind." he threatened, although with a grin as he cracked his fingers loudly, pleased when Bucky grinned slightly back at him.

"No can do, I have a duty to the Avengers to report any updates on the Stucky factor. Black Widow's orders. I let her give them to me sometimes so she feels important and less inclined to shoot me. My charming personality unsettles her." Tony rambled, and Steve recognized it for the diversion tactic that it was. "What the Hell is a 'Stucky'...and gimme that camera!"

Tony took off down the hall and Steve considered pursuit, but Tony knew the building better than he didn and he wasn't likely to get data from Tony if the latter didn't want him to. He chose instead to open up a search engine on the computer and determine the 'Stucky' thing. Probably just a- _oh_.

Bucky watched him with a slight frown. "Is something wrong?"

"Nope. Nothing at all." Steve quickly shut the screen down, fairly certain that the images of he and Bucky [none of which were real] that had popped up would scar him for life. Possibly why Tony had mentioned it. He was a budding evil genius that way. Was this what people were saying about the Avengers now? The 21st century was...definitely a change of pace.

"...Can we...uh...will you dance with me again?" Bucky asked, and added almost shyly. "I really liked that song...and dancing...and since it's with you..Stevie..." Steve had encouraged Bucky to be honest whenever he had feelings about something, hoping it would lead to more and to improvement on Bucky's part.

Steve beamed again as he pulled the song back up and soon had the air filled with the static-ey but no less attractive song. "Sure thing, Buck. You wanna lead this time?"

"If it wouldn't wound your pride too much, Captain." Bucky teased lightly as Bucky's hand found his waist that time.

"It won't...since it's you." Steve drawled, though his smile was sincere.

Bucky's answer was a grateful, fond smile as he whirled them around, and the pair spent the better part of an hour replaying the song and dancing as they reminisced on old times and teased other. When they headed out for food, they found Tony had already taken it upon himself to print and post some candid shots of Bucky and Steve dancing all over Stark Tower. In the bathrooms. In the halls. On the refrigerator. And he'd drawn little red hearts in sharpie, apparently unconcerned about how to get it back off.

Steve rolled his eyes, and Bucky had laughed.

The next morning when Steve came in to wake Bucky up for breakfast [because Bruce suggested that having Bucky take meals and rests on a schedule might help him remember to do those things] he was surprised to find Bucky _in bed_ instead of on the floor.

When he came closer to shake Bucky's shoulder lightly, he thought he might have found the cause.

One of each of the three pictures Tony had posted were now taped neatly to the head board of Bucky's bed, and one of the pictures, that had caught both Steve and Bucky's smiling faces, lay lightly curled in Bucky's hand. And contrary to the usual, Bucky's sleep seemed peaceful.

Steve smiled warmly as he quietly headed out of the room and decided that Bucky could always eat later.

It would give him time to give Stark a little payback anyway.

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

**And now it's 11:49. I think it took longer because I kept dozing off. But I kept telling myself I was almost done. XD It was supposed to be a little fluff piece with no introspection or angsty depth, but apparently I'm not capable of that, so! I tried to compromise between the two. XD Yay for un-heart-breaking feels! Although I felt sad for Bucky curling up in corners and having nightmares and stuffs. And being all thinking that he can't risk touching his precioussss Steve. [Gollum reference, holla!]. Okay, now I'm rambling. Sleep time! Enjoy! And thanks for the reviews and encouragement and the giving me smiles! You are what encourage me to write with reckless abandon. XD And joy. And such. XD Enjoy!~Witchy~**


	7. Dancing With Destiny Part Two [PWS]

**So. This wasn't gonna happen. Steve's payback was going to be left unwritten. But someone asked for Steve's revenge and I pondered it, and I like where it headed. So! Just another example of how reviews motivate a writer. XD And how much I adore you people. Enjoy! Thanks, people! P.S. This might be crack-ey. Because I have no idea how Steve would actually try to prank Tony and I was more focused on Bucky so this next bit is...as I go along. XD**

**Summary: _In which Steve attempts to get prank-revenge. Tony is a diabolical prank master. Winter Soldier pwns. And Bucky displays an unexpected interest. And Pepper is a bad a$$ lady._**

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Steve spent the better part of a half hour plotting how to prank Tony Stark, and the next half of said hour in the initial attempts. And he found out quickly that Tony was even more of a genius than he'd given him credit for, or he was a _prank master_.

Attempt One: The old water bucket over the door trick.

Tony was distracted by his phone as he made his way to the door, and Steve watched with a faint smirk. Sure, it was a little old school, maybe not as clever as it could be...but can't beat a classic, right?

Unless you're Tony Stark, apparently.

Tony's hand clasped the door knob when he suddenly paused and tilted his head, from his vantage, Steve couldn't see the way Tony's eyes scanned the door or his own faint smirk. "Crap...forgot the flux-capacitor." he muttered loudly, and naturally, Steve wasn't hip enough to pop culture to catch the reference. He promptly turned and headed around the corner, and when he heard Tony's voice next some minutes later, it was from the room he'd been trying to get Tony into before.

There was the sound of shattered glass, and a curse from Tony. "D-Damn...hey...little help!" Tony cried.

Steve's instincts kicked in immediately at the pained shout, and he barreled in to save Tony from whatever had befallen him. Which was apparently laughing his rear end off as Steve was soaked with the water he'd intended for Tony.

"That...was phenomenal. Really first class. Thanks for the prompt _save_ , by the way, Cap. Much obliged." Tony drawled with a grin as he rose, and clapped a stunned and now very wet Steve on the shoulder before he headed off whistling cheerfully.

Attempt Two: Superglue Tony's phone and then call said phone.

Tony was still whistling when he set his phone down to begin rifling through the fridge. Stark Tower seemed to be part office-building, part-grand hotel the way Tony had designed it.

Steve was glad Tony had left his phone facedown as he applied a thin trail of fast-acting super-glue to the phone, nearly invisible. He quickly hid behind a door as he pulled out his own phone to call Tony.

_"Captain Planet, he's our hero! Gonna take pollution down to a zero!"_

Steve was more than slightly taken aback by the ridiculous tune that was his ring phone, but oh well.

Tony turned with a lifted brow and made his way over to the phone. He picked it up, but held it by the sides casually as he answered on speaker. "What's up, doc?"

Steve came out from around the corner with a grin as he hung up the call. "How's your hand?"

Tony blinked. "My hand? Let me check...heads up!" he tossed the phone at Steve suddenly, and on instinct, he caught it. Only when Tony smirked did he realize his hand was clamped around the super-glued phone. "My hand's just fine, thanks for asking. You're such a model citizen. They oughta give you a medal." Tony crooned.

Steve was aghast. "How did you _know_? And the water too!"

Tony seemed to debate whether or not to answer, but ever one to toot his own horn, he shrugged. "I never close that door, and there were water drops on the floor. As for the phone...the fridge has a reflective surface, genius. I was watching you the whole time."

"You're...diabolical."

Tony grinned like this was a great compliment. "Aren't I though? Better luck next century, Capsicle." With that, he winked and headed off with another jauntily whistled tune.

It was then that Bucky emerged, and he watched as Steve pried the phone off of his own hand with a wince. "Having a problem there, pal...?" His posture was tense as always, Bucky could never quite seem to relax, but his brow was lifted and his lips were quirked.

Steve scrunched his nose. "I tried revenge-pranking Tony...it didn't go so well." Steve was still drying, and his hand was now splotchy from glue and a bit of taken off skin. The old Bucky would have grinned and laughed, and probably teased him. This Bucky just seemed slightly puzzled.

"Revenge pranking..." The way he said prank made it seem like he was trying to recall the meaning of the word, and then he smiled slightly. "Now why would you do that?"

"The picture thing. I already got texts from Clint and Natasha this morning...they found them hilarious. And 'adorable'. Clint actually said that. It was disturbing."

Bucky's smile slipped. "You...didn't like the pictures?" he asked, voice soft but almost monotone.

It took him a second, but Steve realized why. "Oh! No! I mean yes! I mean...I liked them a lot...it's great to have some pictures of us. It's just...it just seemed like the response."

Bucky mulled that over a moment, and Steve added.

"I do like it though. Our pictures. There's not many left, it's a shame." There had been some taken during the war time, and a scant few taken before. Only the war-time ones remained, what few of them there were, and they weren't much to look at any more. He'd have to rectify that.

"I'll be back." Bucky said suddenly, and Steve feared he'd given Bucky a misunderstanding somehow.

"Wait, Buck! I really-" Bucky was already gone and he finished with a sigh. "-liked the pictures."

...

Around an hour later, Tony grinned and waved at Steve, dressed sharply in a suit and sunglasses. He put special emphasis on the wave, just to rub it in. "Got a charity thing. I'll be back. If you feel like having your pranks handed to you, feel free to booby-trap the tower while I'm gone." he saluted with a laugh and headed out.

...

Around two hours later, Steve was about to eat a sandwich when Bucky suddenly appeared in the doorway. "Something to show you." He muttered as he grabbed Steve's wrist and yanked the other man along.

Steve stumbled after him, surprised and a bit concerned and somewhat bemoaning the left-behind sandwich. "Uh, alright...what are we looking at?"

"You'll see." Bucky said cryptically as his grip on Steve's wrist tightened, and Steve's eyes widened slightly.

In the end, he was led to the lounge where Bucky flicked on the television and found the channel he'd wanted. It was the charity event Tony had mentioned, and they were waiting for Iron Man's landing.

Steve was a little incredulous. "You want me to watch...Tony?"

Bucky glanced back, and there was a bit of apprehension in his expression, like a kid who didn't know if he was about to be scolded or praised. Which in turn, made Steve apprehensive, because what could the reformed Winter Soldier have done in those two hours-and what did it have to do with Tony?

"And here comes Iron Man now! And he seems to have...is that? ...I love Captain America?"

Steve's head whipped to the screen, fixed as Iron Man touched down with a wave, and it was clear there was a new addition to his suit. The chest plate had been colored mostly white, and in big, red-white-and-blue letters was 'I LOVE CAPTAIN AMERICA 3' with a little picture of Steve's shield.

Steve stared, stunned, and not until Tony opened his face plate with his usual, charmingly arrogant expression, did he catch on that something was up. He watched Tony look down with a frown, only to blanch and presumably curse. Possibly swear mortal vengeance on Steve, but who could be sure? He laughed as his gaze slid to Bucky, who was watching him expectantly, and then he realized.

" _You_ did that?" Bucky gave a short nod, and Steve laughed before he clapped a hand on Bucky's shoulder and then gave him a quick hug. "You're a _genius_ , Buck! I'da never thought of that. I couldn't have done it, actually. How did you do it?" Steve asked as he pulled away. "I thought his suit was locked up...state of the art security system and all that?"

Bucky had seemed pleased and he smiled as Steve hugged him, and at the question he replied matter-of-factly. "I burned his house down."

Steve had been prepared to laugh, but at that, his eyes widened slightly before he gave a nervous chuckle. "No, really, Buck...how'd you do it?"

"I burned his house down." Bucky repeated in monotone, gaze gone deadly serious and Steve felt his stomach turn.

"B...Bucky, you didn't!"

Bucky grinned suddenly, and it was _pure Bucky_ as he ruffled Steve's hair. "Nah, I didn't. Gotcha."

Steve gaped a moment, and then he laughed [although perhaps more in relief than in amusement at that moment]. "And I thought Tony was diabolical...how _did_ you do it?"

"I did worse than burning his house down." Bucky said with a wicked grin.

Steve tried not to be too anxious. "Which was...?"

Seeming smug, Bucky said simply. "I got his girlfriend to let me in."

" _Pepper_? You got her to help you?"

"She was plenty happy to help. I like her." Bucky said decidedly.

Steve, glad at once that Bucky was using statements such as 'I like' and that he'd made a friend, smiled widely. "I guess that makes you the prank master of Stark Tower. Congratulations."

Bucky blinked and then seemed oddly pleased. "Prank master..." he murmured. "I could get used to that."

"Well, don't let it go to your head or anything." Steve advised, and Bucky grinned. "What made you decide to prank him though?"

Bucky's next answer was genuinely matter-of-fact, as if it should have been obvious. "I did it for you, Steve."

Steve, as always, wanted to cry at Bucky's earnestness. Here Steve had been pranking in play, and Bucky had taken it on as a task just to make Steve happy. He set his hand on Bucky's shoulder, pleased when Bucky didn't seem uncomfortable by the contact. "Thanks, Buck."

"Anytime, pal."

...

Several hours later, Tony returned to the tower and the super-soldier duo made sure the television was on high volume as they replayed the earlier newscast.

Tony shot them a dark look. "Ha. Ha. You're real cute, y'know that?"

"Not as cute as you, Tony. I had no idea you liked me so much." Steve crooned, and laughed as Tony hurled a throw pillow at him.

"How did you do it?" Tony demanded, and Steve realized Pepper probably hadn't confessed to her role just yet.

Steve held up his hands. "Wasn't me. Bucky beat you." Apparently Tony Stark was no match for the [reformed] Winter Soldier.

Tony's gaze slid to Bucky as his eyes narrowed. " _You_...figures. I thought it was weird Captain Caveman knew how to bond color fiber polymers to the suit." *

Bucky shrugged modestly, but he was smirking, and Steve loved every bit of it.

"How did you get in?"

Bucky pretended to consider the answer. "Well...let's just say I know a gal."

Tony blinked and then growled. " _Pepper_...that woman! That traitor! That Delilah!"

"She says 'you'd better hurry home, because she made you dinner and got you the little pies you like so much'." Bucky quoted in monotone.

Tony's eyes widened. "That woman is a saint." he said reverently before his eyes narrowed. "Don't think this is over you two. Payback will come. My vengeance will be swift and glorious."

"Okay, _Loki_ , you have fun with that."

Tony flipped them off and left, and Steve laughed aloud while Bucky chuckled.

Comfortable silence reigned a moment before Steve considered it. "You really liked those pictures, huh, Buck?"

Bucky blinked and then nodded. "Yeah...they're nice."

Steve considered that and rose with a smile. "How about we take some more then?"

Bucky's sudden, hopeful expression made him desperately want to hug the other man. "I'd...like that."

Steve slipped an arm over Bucky's shoulder, and found again to his delight that Bucky accepted the contact easily. "Then let's get to it, pal."

...

Steve learned several things that day slash night.

-Steve needed to get a new prank repetoire.

-Tony Stark was an evil genius. [More so than he'd first thought]

-Pepper was an amazing woman. [More so than he'd first thought]

-The Winter Soldier was a pranking god.

-And Bucky was a camera whore.

When all was said and done, Steve had determined that photo albums and a camera were to be Bucky's Christmas present this year. Christmas was only a month off, so not so long a wait.

In the meanwhile, they'd gone through four disposables and Bucky had been a bit like an impatient child waiting for one-hour develop.

They took their prizes back to Stark Tower. Bucky had taken most of the pictures, many of them of Steve, the remainder of him and random things Steve couldn't fathom. Like condensation on his cup. But he'd let the other have his way and Bucky seemed thrilled.

Bucky had spread the photos all over Tony's table, and was practically chattering excitedly as he reminisced over each photo. At some point, he seemed to realize it because he suddenly went quiet and looked at Steve sheepishly. "I..."

"These are great, Buck. We'll have to take more sometime." Steve said, certain that giving Bucky a camera would be the right choice. Even if he was temporarily blinded from the many uses of flash.

Bucky swallowed and then came forward to embrace Steve in a tight hug. Steve's eyes widened in surprise, and he was stunned immobile a moment before his arms came up and he hugged Bucky back tightly. "Thanks, Stevie..."

"You're welcome, Buck." Steve murmured back softly as ruffled the edges of Bucky's hair a bit through the hug.

...

The next morning, Bucky's bedroom was littered with taped up pictures, and he was sleeping in his head again. There were a few more pictures on the head board of the bed, and a new one clutched in Bucky's hand. One of him slipping an arm around Steve that wound up on his neck as Bucky made a clumsy fifth attempt at a friend-selfie, shooting an awkward grin at the camera at the same time that Steve made a choked, laughing grin.

Steve smiled. Giving Bucky a camera would end up being a present for the both of them, it seemed.

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

**I suppose I could have gone longer on Steve pranking Tony but I ran out of pranks. I'm not experienced in that department. XD I SHOULDA USED A BANANA PEEL! Pie in the face. Water-squirting flower...okay, I'm outdated. I'm only 22. Why am I outdated? XD I digress. Fluff factor, humor, cracccccck. Now I'll probably have to write a 'Bucky gets a camera for Christmas' fic sometime. Gah, I have too many one-shot ideas. And other things. XD Thanks for the kudos and views, comments are like verbal hugs for me, by the by.  Enjoy!~Witchy~**


	8. A Hero's Hero [PWS]

**Ugh. I'm sick or something, my doctor had me do a CT scan thing and everything. So on the one hand, I called out of work and have free time to write. But on the other, my brain feels like maple syrup and I wanna curl in bed and sleep my life away. -fog-fog-fog-fog- But I'm gonna try and write. Let's see.** **Enjoy!  XD  
**

**Summary:** _**Steve takes a recovering Bucky out for a walk around town. They discover something potentially painful for Bucky. Steve makes it all better.** _

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Approximately three weeks after Bucky and Steve had reunited [coincidentally only two days before Steve had been set to go look for him], Bucky finally agreed to go outside.

It wasn't that he couldn't have gone out if he'd wanted to, [although Tony might have objected], but once he'd accepted Steve's help and officially started the rehabilitation process...he'd changed considerably. The Winter Soldier was still there, and the parts of Bucky that had begun shining through were still haunted by him, but there was something almost childish about Bucky as well. He was hesitant, uncertain of his actions and constantly looking to Steve as if seeking acceptance or permission, he seemed afraid to _want_ or to voice his returning feelings and desires, and afraid that he might lose control. Bucky was, in a word, _fragile_ , and Steve was learning how to deal with that as much as Bucky was learning how to deal with...being a person. Not a weapon.

So, one sunny morning after having had what Steve considered a good night for Bucky, he suggested cheerfully. "How about we go for a walk? Check out a town a little?"

Bucky, who had been dutifully eating his eggs and cereal, stilled and shot Steve a questioning glance. "...You think that's...a good idea?" he asked after a moment.

"Well, I mean, I think it'd be good to get out and stretch the old legs a little...but it's up to you. What do _you_ want to do?"

Bucky's expression didn't change really, but Steve had gotten to where he could read this new Bucky...at least a little. He was uncomfortable with the question, uncertain. "...If you think it's a good idea..." he finally muttered.

Steve wanted him to say that it was what _he_ wanted, but he'd make do with this for now. "Alright then, finish your cereal and let's paint the town red."

Bucky seemed puzzled. "Why would we do that?"

That had been a favored phrase of Bucky once, and now he was taking it literally.

Before Steve could speak though, clarity dawned and Bucky seemed to realize his error. "Oh...it's...an expression." he remembered. "Yeah."

Steve was careful not to betray the way that made his heart clench.

...

Before long, they'd started their journey and not long after Stark Tower was out of sight and they'd entered a more populated area, Bucky had made a blatant point of moving to the right of Steve and somewhat shoving him aside. Steve couldn't fathom why and Bucky gave nothing away, but after a minute, it clicked. A distant memory.

_A car whizzed past, the driver clearly drunk, he swerved up on the curb and only Bucky jerking him out of the way prevented Steve from being hit._

_"Hey, a**hole! Get the Hell back here!" Bucky shouted, even as he patted a shaky Steve down. "You alright, pal?"_

_Steve nodded, his heart thudding in his chest. "Y-Yeah, thanks, Buck."_

_Bucky always made it a point to keep Steve to the inside after that, and let Bucky walk along the side of the street._

Steve smiled sidelong at Bucky. The little gesture was further proof that _his_ Bucky was in there somewhere, although the way he'd done it, he wondered if Bucky even realized he _had_ done it. That was alright though, unconscious or not, it gave him hope.

He watched Bucky from the corner of his eye, noted the way he sized every detail up. His posture was tense and his movements somewhat stiff. He suspected Bucky was trying to relax, but years of ingrained defensive postures were fighting for dominance. Bucky's eyes scanned skywards, and Steve smiled. "Looking for birds, pal?"

"Snipers." Bucky replied simply. "This area is open. Makes us easy targets."

Steve felt his mouth go dry at that. "...I don't think we'll have to worry about that, Buck."

Bucky's gaze was hard as it slid to Steve. "It's not about 'worry', it's common sense." Bucky's uncertainty in speaking always went away the moment he talked about matters like this. Things that went more in line with the Winter Soldier than with Bucky. He seemed to realize suddenly that his tone was a little harsh, and that Steve was giving him a somewhat pained look, because he averted his gaze and added quietly. "I'll...try to...be less..."

"It's okay." Steve said softly as he slid a hand to his shoulder and tried not to be hurt by the way Bucky still stiffened at contact with him. But it wasn't just him, so he couldn't take it personally. "Do you what you gotta do, pal. I've got your back."

Bucky's jaw tensed slightly like it always did when faced with something that went against his 'training'. The idea of someone having his back was foreign to him. He was tempted to be adverse to Steve's display of emotions and sentiment. But at the same time, it made him want to pull Steve closer and never let him go; to protect the little fool. "I've got yours." he said gruffly, relieved that it seemed to be the right response because Steve smiled at him. He... _liked_ when Steve smiled.

They passed a collectibles store front then, and Bucky paused suddenly. Steve obligingly did so as well and scrunched his nose at the gaudy display of the Avengers. Little toys and large posters were scattered around the front windows, but it was Captain America who took precedence. Presumably because he'd just been involved with all the media coverage over the battle with Shield.

Bucky had moved closer to the window, and peered down at something silently for a long moment.

Steve chuckled and stepped closer. "See something you like, Buck?" he glanced in the window, only to feel his smile falter.

A Captain America action figure was lined up in front of a poster of a slightly smoldering city where a photo of Captain America and a blurry figure in black stood facing each other. A sticker that red 'CAPTAIN AMERICA VS THE BLACK DEATH' was pasted across the top. A crude action figure of the 'Black Death' was put in opposition of Captain America, and it was obvious who it was supposed to be.

Bucky, or rather, the Winter Soldier.

Shield's information had been leaked, but not every dirty secret was out of the closet. Hydra's experiments on Bucky Barnes were still, for the most part, a secret. The Winter Soldier had been caught in a few photohgraphs and videos, and there were some eye-witnesses, but no one had known who he was. Apparently they'd dubbed him the 'Black Death' and made him a villain.

A pair of children ran up behind them then, and pointed at the window gleefully. "Look! They got the Black Death! He looks lame but his arm's kinda cool. All metal."

"I know! Captain America will beat him no problem. The bad guy's always the loser. Whoosh!" he mimed throwing a shield.

"He could block the shield, dummy! Captain America needs a gun. Blam!" The other child mimed a gunshot, and that was as much as Steve could stomach.

"BLAM!" Steve shouted as he clapped a hand in front of the boys' faces and took a menacing step towards them. They didn't recognize him in civilian clothing, but the sudden action was enough to startle them into running off. He scowled after them, disturbed by the children of the day, and then he looked back at Bucky whose expression was absolutely blank.

Steve had no idea what the proper response to this was. How did you deal with your best friend being labeled a villain? "This is stupid. I'll talk to the shop owner about taking it down."

"It's fine." Bucky said stiffly, and he wouldn't meet Steve's gaze. "It's not like it's not true."

"Bucky-"

"-I'm the 'bad guy'. You should have killed me. It's...just irony that you didn't. All the people that could have come after me, and it was you." Bucky's gaze settled back on the display.

Steve felt like the wind had been knocked out of him, and he grabbed Bucky by the shoulder and yanked him around to face him.

Bucky was defensive instantly, eyes slightly wide as his hand snaked out to grab Steve but he fell short and let his arm drop as he corrected the situation. He wasn't being attacked, it was only Steve, he would never hurt Steve. Not again.

"You're not the bad guy." Steve snapped, angry, frustrated, and sad all at once. "Nothing that you did was ever your fault. Don't ever think that."

Bucky met his gaze this time, but there was no softening that blank expression or the clear disbelief he read in those cold eyes. "I would...remember sometimes. I had a chance, at least once. I could have ended it. Saved lives. _Stopped_ me. But I didn't. I was a coward."

Steve stared at him for a long, strained moment before he grabbed Bucky's sleeve and hauled him into an alley. Bucky stiffened but allowed it, and even allowed Steve to back him up against a wall although he seemed tense.

"Don't _ever_ say something that stupid again, do you understand me?" Steve growled, and Bucky actually seemed a little surprised at his response. "You are not..." he exhaled heavily, his emotions in turmoil. "You are _not_ a coward because you didn't...didn't _kill yourself_. What happened wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve it, and you wouldn't...you wouldn't have deserved...dying." The word was like acid on his tongue where Bucky was concerned.

"Yeah?" Bucky's tone actually held a little something then, it was self-derisive. "And most of the people I killed-brutally sometimes-they didn't deserve it either. You think you can justify my life over theirs? 'Cause I don't. If I wasn't... _Bucky_ ," he spat the word, like it was distasteful, "You would have done your job and finished me. You're not thinking straight. Because of me. Except it's not really me. Because the Bucky you want me to be..." Bucky had an expression then too, one that was pained, and twisted, and haunted all at once. "He's dead, Steve." his voice was choked, almost a whisper, faraway. "What they pulled outta the snow that day...I'm just...memories. Not even that, I can't remember my name half the time." he chuckled bitterly. "The man I was died alone in the snow. I shouldn't be here."

Steve took the words like a blow, and felt his eyes water but he forced it down. Bucky didn't need to deal with that right now, he needed strength. Steve needed to be the strong one between them now. Steve had always leaned on Bucky, and now he would _make_ Bucky lean on him if he had to.

Steve took Bucky's face in his hands and forced the other to meet his gaze. "You listen to me, _James Buchanan Barnes_." he said in his most authoritative, Captain's voice. "Nothing that happened was your fault. You would never have done that willingly, don't you dare feed me any crap that you would. What they did to you...you didn't deserve. I should have protected you. I don't think I regretted anything in my life more than I regretted _that day_." When Bucky fell. And Bucky seemed about to protest but Steve gripped his face a little tighter and cut him off.

"Your... _body_ , has done terrible things. But you said so yourself, you can't remember your name half the time. You can't be held responsible for what they made you do. Maybe not every one can understand that, but I do, and not just because you're my best friend. Because it's the _truth_. And maybe it's selfish, but I'm glad you're here. Even if you're not all you, even if you can't be...I'll take you however I can get you, because _you're my family_. You understand me? And you're wrong. If Hydra wanted those people dead, even if you never became the Winter Soldier, they would have found someone else to do it. You wouldn't saved any lives if you'd...killed yourself. The only difference is that I would have never gotten you back. And I could never say I'm sorry. And I am, Bucky. I am so sorry, for everything...I asked you to join the Commandos, even after everything you'd been through. I couldn't let you go, and then I...I _failed_ you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." In the end, Steve's voice broke as his emotions bled through and he release Bucky to pull away and rub a hand over his face.

But then he felt hands grip his shoulders painfully, and he was startled to see a _mortified_ expression on Bucky's face. His voice was tense, and the halting speech had nothing to do with uncertainty. Bucky was _furious_. "You...you... _f***ing idiot_." The words were spat out, and they were so... _Bucky_. Bucky himself seemed surprised, like he wasn't sure where the words had come from, but then he was right back to being angry. "Are you telling me you've been blamin' yourself all this time?" he demanded, and Steve was taken aback by the old Brooklyn accent that bled through. Bucky's speech up till that point had lacked an accent and been crisp.

" _I_ made that choice. _I_ decided to follow you. And it's _my_ job to protect _you_. Don't think that just 'cause you went'n got a little bigger, anythin' changed. Whatever happened...that was on _me_. My life...it was never your responsibility." Bucky said firmly.

Steve was stunned by the display of emotion, by the pure... _Bucky_ of it all. Apparently he'd struck a chord with the other, and it had led him clear past the Winter Soldier.

"I could say the same to you. I shouldn't have been your responsibility, but you _always_ put me first. Even when we were kids. Of course I'd do the same for you, _idiot_." he retorted back.

Bucky actually seemed indignant. "That's different."

"How's that?" Steve asked, reminded of a very similar conversation years ago.

"You're...you're _mine_." Bucky growled. Steve's jaw went a little slack as his eyes widened, and Bucky seemed to realize what he'd said. Was that a hint of a _flush_ on Bucky's cheeks. "Not...not like _that_. I mean...taking care of you it's...we're...you're all I've got." he finished softly, as the anger seemed to bleed out of him. "My family. You're all I've got." he repeated as his gaze lowered to the ground and he released Steve as he turned away. "You don't have anythin' to feel guilty for...you're the only good thing I ever...I ever had..so...of course I'd do...of course I'd take care of you.."

Steve had no idea what to say or to do, he was literally stunned silent. In the first place, even if Bucky were in his right mind, it was just such a huge, emotional admission. But Bucky _wasn't_ in his right mind so this was all...it blew him away. What could he even say to that?

Steve simply reacted to the welling emotions inside of him, he gently turned Bucky a bit before he pulled the other man into a gentle hug. He wouldn't force it on him.

Bucky stiffened at first, but then slowly, his arms came around Steve lightly, as if afraid to touch him.

Steve took that as a sign to continue and he hugged Bucky tightly, tighter than necessary to reinforce his trust in the other and that Steve wasn't made of glass. In turn, though he hesitated, Bucky gripped him back tightly. "It's the same for me, Buck. You're my family. Protecting you is just as important to me as it is to you. There's nothin' I wouldn't do for you, Buck. Not a day where I wouldn't _believe_ in you. And I do. I _know_ you weren't responsible for what the Winter Soldier did. I believe in you, and you need to believe in yourself. You _should_ be here. You deserve to live. And be happy. You have nothing to feel guilty for."

It took a minute, but Bucky sagged suddenly, like he'd been released from a great weight and Bucky's fingers gripped into his skin painfully, but Steve didn't try to move him. "Steve." Bucky's voice was a hoarse whisper as he allowed himself to bury his face in Steve's shoulder a little. It was too much to process, between what he'd experienced and what Steve was giving him in return. He didn't know how to handle it, didn't know what to do with the crushing... _love_ in his chest.

"And you're not a bad guy." Steve added suddenly, voice soft. "Do you remember? When you found out who Captain America's hero was?"

Something clicked inside Bucky, something just out of reach. He felt like he should know the answer, like it was _important_ somehow. "I...I don't...know." he muttered into Steve's shoulder. His hero. Who would that have been?

Steve wanted him to remember, he felt it would carry more weight that way. "Think about it." he urged. "That day, with the Commandos and...Peggy. Agent Carter."

Steve always wanted him to remember, but he didn't usually make such a point of it. Still, he tried, even as his head started to throb, Bucky _tried_ and shadows of memories and snippets of conversations danced in his mind. Were any of them the _right_ memories? "I...can't...I'm sorry.." he finally mumbled and started to pull away.

Steve kept Bucky in place with a tight hug. "It was you." he said softly, and he let the warmth in his heart creep into his voice. "It was always you."

Bucky pulled away then, and Steve released him though he kept light hands on his shoulders as Bucky stared at him with wide-eyed surprise. "...Me?"

Steve smiled. "Who else?"

"But...you..." His reaction wasn't all that far off from his original reaction, all those years ago.

"Steven Rogers, Captain America...same hero. Bucky Barnes. I probably wouldn't be here now if it weren't for you. Wouldn't be the man I am, anyway. If I'm a good man now, or a hero, it's a lot to do with having been best friends with one my whole life."

Bucky was almost comically surprised, the expression was so far from any he'd seen on the 'Winter Soldier's' face. "You can't say that."

Steve lifted a brow. "Think I just did."

Bucky struggled for words. "But...I'm just...I'm just..."

"Just you? And you're amazing, Buck. You certainly always said so." Steve chuckled, a light tease at Bucky's playfully huge ego.

Bucky stared at him. "Why?"

Steve figured he knew what the other was asking. "Because you were brave. And never backed down. Because you knew what you wanted and you fought tooth and nail for it. Because you never took crap from anybody. Because you were smart as Hell and didn't give yourself credit for it. Because you'd put yourself in danger to save a life in a heart beat, not just mine. Because even when life sucked, you'd laugh and just keep on living. Lots of other reasons. And because no matter what, you were always there for me."

Bucky actually looked like he might cry, although whether because the words struck a chord or because he simply couldn't handle everything at once, Steve wasn't sure. "I could say all that about you." he pointed out.

Steve smiled as he punched Bucky's cheek lightly, and in the end, cupped it fondly instead. "Who do'ya think I learned it from, jerk?"

That broke him then, as for the second time since he'd returned, Bucky actually initiated contact and pulled Steve into a tight, crushing hug. The metal of Bucky's arm dug into his back, and the fingers that gripped his neck weren't exactly gentle, but he wasn't sure a hug had ever felt so good. "You're a punk." Bucky said hoarsely, for the first time in too, too many years.

Which in turn, broke Steve, who sniffed despite himself although he managed to contain the damage to his eyes watering just a bit. "Your punk, apparently." he teased lightly.

Bucky actually chuckled a little. "Damn straight." he said, just like Bucky would. And Steve knew that he was wrong about the old Bucky dying alone in the snow, because Bucky was here with him right now. And that meant everything to him. He'd have let the Winter Soldier burn the world to ash just to have this moment with his best friend, _his brother_ , again.

"I got her number." Bucky said suddenly, and as the pair pulled apart, Steve eyed him with a furrowed brow. "Agent Carter."

Clarity dawned, and Steve laughed. "Well...sort of."

Bucky frowned. "I got it. I remember. No woman could resist me." he quoted himself from days past.

Steve smiled, although it might really have been a smirk. "Agent Carter was the one woman that could, apparently. Come on, let's get something to eat and I'll... _clarify_."

Bucky huffed a little as the pair walked out of the alley, and for the first time, Bucky didn't scan the skies for snipers or look at every passerby like they were about to jump them. "Clarify my arse." he muttered, just like Bucky, and Steve smiled as he clapped a hand on Bucky's back and Bucky didn't even flinch.

"I'm glad you're here, Bucky. Don't leave again, alright?"

Bucky's expression started to slide back into something more deadpan, but right at the end, he gave Steve a little smile as he ruffled Steve's hair like he would have done in the old days. "As long as you want me around...I'll stay."

"Then I guess you're stuck with me forever, pal." Steve drawled.

Bucky grinned then, and it was possibly the best thing Steve had ever seen. "And here you said I was taking all the stupid with me."

"Well, like I said," Steve teased, more than pleased at the reference that meant Bucky's memories were returning, "I learned from the best."

Bucky's answering expression, a mixture of adoration and gratefulness that was more open than even the old Bucky would gave him, made Steve decide that some changes were good after all. But he hadn't been lying, he'd take Bucky however he could get him.

They were family, after all.

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

**That didn't go quite as expected, but I'm glad. Longer than expected. XD I didn't feel like I was forcing it when I was writing, Bucky and Steve just poured out of me. And Steve managed to emotionally yank Bucky out from behind the Winter Soldier shell and gahhh, the cuteness and feels. I think I'll have to post this as a standalone as well. ;-; Next story is going to be in the Howling Commandos era. The story of how Bucky gets [but not really] Peggy's number and finds out that he's Captain America's hero. Bwahaha! This was therapeutic. I don't feel quite so dead on my feet now. XD Thanks for the support, people** **.  Comments are like verbal hugs for me, by the by.  XD Enjoy!~Witchy~**


	9. Of Pleasure and Pain (Dark Days) [HC]

**I know I promised that the next one would be the bit where Bucky finds out he's Steve's hero. But this little idea started niggling in my mind [already had a bit ago, actually] and I had to roll with it. Not entirely sure where it's going. It might contain explicit content, fair warning, but I do believe that's it could all be canon. If the comics felt like dipping that far into things. But yes. So. This is a darker one-shot. Potentially explicit. You have been warned. And it's not going to be what you think it is at first. Probably. Give it a chance. [If the warning didn't scare you off already]. XD**

**Summary:** _**Steve stumbles onto a nightmare. Or the one where Bucky picked up some bad coping mechanisms. Because nothing goes hand-in-hand quite like pain and pleasure.** _

_**Warning: Reader discretion advised. This is not fluff. And potentially explicit.** _

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

The Howling Commandos, in between a pair of close-knit missions, found themselves 'camping' out slash 'taking a break' in a small town near the outskirts of France. Captain America would arrive a day after the rest of his men, as he had matters to conclude in regards to their previous mission. They weren't exactly on leave, and they hadn't _exactly_ been given permission, but the implication that they could enjoy themselves in the brief interim was there. The men had taken it well, and set out for a night on the town. They were together at the start, a bawdy, loud mass of stir-crazy soldiers let loose. Then Morita and Gabe went their separate ways and shortly thereafter Bucky headed off on his own as well.

Dugan was in the middle of a rather bawdy story when a clapped on his back, and he, Farnsworth, and Dernier looked up at Captain America. Or rather, Steve Rogers as he was dressed in crisp, civilian clothing. "It figures I'd find you guys in the only bar in town." he said, in a way that was stern and a little exasperated, and belied by the smile on his lips.

"Captain! They let ya back early!" Dugan cheered, and he waved a waitress over. "Something special for our Captain!"

Steve waved a dismissive hand. "Don't waste good alcohol on me."

"Spoken like someone who doesn't appreciate the taste of a good vintage." Montgomery 'Monty' Farnsworth drawled.

Steve shrugged. "Guess I'm just not that classy." he glanced around as he took a seat. "Where're the other guys?"

Dernier smirked a little, and Dugan replied. "Well, Gabe and Morita are...doing whatever the Hell they do. Somethin' about 'pruning the roses'...anyway, I expect you mean 'where's Bucky'...he's off, uh, sowing the wild oats, I believe." And then he shot a smirk at Farnsworth. "Oh, sorry, was that a little much for your virginal ears, buddy?" They'd never let Farnsworth live down his confession during truth or dare.

Farnsworth rolled his eyes with a faint scowl. He'd gotten passed being embarassed about his fate by now. "I know where you sleep, Dum Dum."

"Keep it to yourself, Monty." Dugan drawled as though offended and scandalized, and Farnsworth just huffed and took another drink.

Nearly a year had passed since the rescue of the 107th. Bucky still had nightmares sometimes, and there were moments where Steve would catch him and his eyes just...looked _distant_... _haunted_...but otherwise, he seemed like the same old Buck and he and Steve had found a familiar rhythm with each other in their new roles. Not much had changed, really, except that Steve was usually the one pinning Bucky in a fight and he could pull Captain's rank when he had to. Much to Bucky's chagrin. [Although, truth be told, he still found it a little thrilling that he could look down at Bucky and fit Bucky at _his_ side for a change].

The waitress had returned then, and she'd caught the bit of their conversation. "If Bucky was the fellow with the dark-hair, I don't think he's, um..." she flushed a bit. "It seemed like he was about to get in a fight. Ah, but sorry, that's not my business." she started to leave.

Dugan lifted a brow, and Steve was all ears at once. "Wait! A fight? What do you mean?"

The waitress hesitated, but the expectant looks of the men around the table stirred her. "Well...I saw him leaving with Luc, and...they didn't look too happy."

"Luc?" Farnsworth queried.

"Ah, sorry," she apologized again, "Jean-Luc, he's a native here but he tends to come and go a lot, and he's a bit of troublemaker...it just...it seemed a little strange...I didn't think I should bring it up, but...you didn't seem to know so..."

Steve was on his feet then, and Dugan held out a hand. "You that worried about someone picking a fight with Barnes? We all like a good tussle every now and again."

"It's not really Bucky I'm worried about, it's the guy that was stupid enough to pick a fight with him." Steve corrected. They couldn't afford Bucky making a scene when they were technically supposed to be incognito, and he was a little worried, truth be told. He knew Bucky could take care of himself and he still worried, which went a long way towards empathizing with Bucky's over protectiveness back when he'd been the 'little guy'. Steve addressed the waitress. Still though, if Bucky and Jean-Luc had had a fight outside of the bar, it didn't explain why no one was around when Steve arrived. Not them, or a crowd of onlookers. "Do you know where they went?"

"Well...I didn't see, but...Jean-Luc's staying at Em's-that is-Emma's Lane Inn-just about a mile down. Not sure if they would have had a reason to go there, but.."

"Thank you." he addressed his men then. "I'll go have a look. Just in case."

Dernier muttered something in French that he didn't catch, Farnsworth didn't seem to either but Dugan shot him a sharp look.

"Something wrong?" Steve looked between his men and got the sense that he was missing something.

"Look...Barnes seemed like he could use a little...letting off the steam." Dugan shrugged. "He'll be fine."

Dugan's complacent attitude struck him as a little odd. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

The men's expressions gave nothing away, although Farnsworth couldn't quite meet his gaze. "Farnsworth." he said firmly. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

Dugan and Dernier shared a glance, and in the end Farnsworth blinked and looked surprise. "Not at all?" he made it sound like a question, like he was surprised to have been addressed.

Steve looked between his men a moment, but he'd deal with that later. If Bucky was really in danger, he knew they'd tell him. "I'll be back." he inclined his head and headed out, and a few minutes later he found himself at the aforementioned inn.

The innkeeper had been reluctant to divulge information at first, but then Steve had explained about his friend, a soldier on leave, and that he was worried. The innkeeper had gotten a strange look on his face, and had a sharp discussion with his wife in French. He was beginning to realize that his rudimentary grasp of French was becoming increasingly problematic. He couldn't rely on his men to translate, especially when they were sometimes the one talking circles around him. Even Bucky knew French, the jerk.

He caught a few words. 'Forest'. 'Catch'. 'Business'. He thought he pieced together something about 'not our business', and something about a secret, perhaps?

In the end, the innkeeper regarded Steve with a frown. "Your friend...he is fine."

"I'd like to confirm that for myself, thanks." he said, and he wanted to question them, but that wouldn't get him anywhere. He could tell just from how they were acting.

The husband and wife tittered again for a moment, before she motioned him outside and spoke with a thick accent. "There ees a path to the woods, just beside thees inn. There's a leetle... _shack_ near the river...look there."

Steve had an uneasy feeling in his gut, and he was a little dubious, but he did as she'd said. It was dark out, but the moon was nearly full as he made his way to the 'shack'. It seemed like a small cottage more than anything, and he drew closer slowly. He was careful to be quiet, and ready for anything as he crept up to the window. The curtains were drawn, but there was a slit he could see through at an angle and he peered inside. There was a dim lamp light, and a few candles scattered about. And it was more than light enough to see the view in side.

After a moment of orienting the squinty figures he saw, he realized that Bucky was shirtless with his back against a wall. There was a knife pressed against his stomach, which already had a thin trail of blood from a cut, he had a knick on his cheek and it looked a little swollen, and his face was reddening by the second. There was a hand on his throat, squeezing the life out of him, that belonged to a shirtless, light-haired man he assumed was 'Jean-Luc'. Bucky's nails were dug into his hands, a detail which Steve couldn't catch, but he saw Bucky gripping the wrist anyway. There was also a gun held loosely at Bucky's side in his other hand, and Steve had just enough time to wonder why Bucky hadn't used it as he burst in. The moment he'd seen Bucky being strangled, he'd been on his way.

He grabbed the man's shoulder and yanked him away even as he slammed a fist down on his arm so that he'd release Bucky. He hurled the man into the wall of the cottage, which rattled a little before he slunk down. Steve turned to Bucky, who seemed dazed a moment as oxygen filtered back into his brain, and then his eyes went unnaturally wide as he choked. "S-Steve!"

For some reason, Bucky suddenly looked terrified, and he kept glancing between Steve and Jean-Luc who'd started to rise in an almost panicky fashion.

They said the first things you learned in a language were the curse words. Steve thought he knew a fair few of French vulgarities, but clearly there was a wealth of them that he was missing if Jean-Luc's angry flurry of words were any indication. He held the knife out defensively and addressed Bucky, another thickly accented individual.

"What ze Hell ees theese?" Jean-Luc demanded. He was a little shorter than Bucky, but he carried himself well and had a brawny, toned body that complemented his fair face and hair. Steve noted that he sported a bruise on his eye, and a few cuts on his stomach as well. Jean-Luc began rambling in French at Bucky, who still seemed panicked as he replied back in hasty French. Steve caught the word 'paramour' from Jean-Luc, which he knew meant 'lover'. Just what were they talking about?

Steve had had enough and he made a move towards Jean-Luc as he kept in front of Bucky protectively, but Bucky stuck a hand out and grabbed Steve's shoulder. Bucky said something sharp to Luc, who seemed angry at first, and a little irked but in the end, he grabbed his shirt and high-tailed it out of the cottage while Bucky kept a hand on Steve.

When he'd left, Steve whirled around angrily. "What are you doing, Buck? He just tried to kill you and you're letting him _go_? What am I missing here?" And then as he thought on it. "Why didn't you shoot him? And where the Hell is your shirt, Barnes?" he snapped, angry, concerned, and confused all at once so he reverted to Captain-mode.

The look of terror had become a grim resignation of sorts, but there was still a flicker of fear in Bucky's eyes that he didn't understand. Was Bucky afraid him? That didn't make any sense.

"It was just...it was a misunderstanding." Bucky mumbled as he suddenly moved past Steve and made a beeline for his shirt on the table. Steve could see a few welts on Bucky's back, like maybe he'd been struck with a belt, and there were still red imprints from Jean's fingers on his neck. There was definitely something he was missing, and Bucky's behavior was all wrong. He couldn't tip-toe around the issue, he needed answers _now_.

Steve gave Bucky just long enough to put his shirt on before he tugged the other man forward and pinned his back against a wall. Bucky tried to shove him off, but a determined super-soldier was an 'immovable freaking mountain' as Bucky had once described him. Steve's voice was all Captain as he ordered. "Tell me what the Hell is going on here, Barnes." He only called Bucky 'Barnes' during missions [and sometimes not even then] and when Bucky was, in a manner of speaking, _in trouble_.

Bucky's jaw clenched and he bit down on his lower lip as his eyes flittered around on anything, everything but Steve.

" _Look at me_." Steve snapped. "What is this?"

The door opened suddenly as Jean-Luc entered. Bucky's eyes widened and Steve stared at the idiot with a blank expression. Did he have a death-wish?

"Forgot my belt." The man said by way of explanation as he grabbed it, and then scoffed at Steve. "You could 'ave waited your turn, eet was just getteeng good. But I can't blame you...he ees a nice piece of-"

"Get the _f***_ out of here." Bucky snarled, and Steve wasn't sure he'd heard that tone from Bucky before. It send a little chill down his spine for reasons he couldn't explain, and when he looked at Bucky, the ferocity he found in his gaze made him almost look like a stranger.

Jean-Luc shrugged and blew him a mocking kiss as he headed off, and when Steve looked back at Bucky who still refused to meet his gaze, he put things together.

'You could have waited your turn, it was just getting good' 'But I can't blame you, he is a nice piece of'...Steve knew what would have likely followed that sentence. And suddenly the scene he'd stumbled onto. The shirtless, breathless men, the unfired gun, Bucky's terror and surprise, Jean-Luc's angry reaction like he'd interrupted something normal...

Steve let go of Bucky, and he stared at him dumb-founded. Bucky finally turned to him, apparently surprised to be let go of, and whatever he saw in Steve's expression must have been revealing because Bucky's expression bordered fear and misery, and more of that grim resignation.

"It's not what you think!" Bucky said desperately, his formally snarling voice now hoarse and a little choked.

Steve couldn't reply, too taken aback by what he'd seen and the implications. It was just so unexpected, so outside of his realm of reality, that he didn't quite know how to compute it at first.

And now it was Bucky reaching for Steve, but his hand fell and clenched just before he reached Steve. Possibly due to the fact that Steve had pulled away, and the misery on Bucky's face piqued. "Steve, I-"

"It's...it's okay..." Steve finally spoke and cut him off, voice bled dry of emotion, he just felt a little numb. Shell-shocked maybe, and his voice was pretty stoic as he said. "It's fine. We should go." He couldn't deal with this, couldn't think about it. Because it made no sense and it was too much, and he wasn't sure he could handle this conversation right now.

"It's not what you think." Bucky repeated, the desperation still clear in his voice.

Steve didn't want to reply, he didn't want to think about it, about the scene that kept replaying in his head now. If he thought about it, maybe Bucky hadn't looked angry when he was being strangled, he'd looked... _content_. When was the last time he'd seen Bucky look like that? "Then what is it?" he found himself asking.

Bucky opened his mouth to answer and then closed it. Opened and closed it. And finally, he shuffled his feet a bit as he said quietly. "It was nothing."

"Didn't look like nothing."

Pain splattered across Bucky's expression like he'd been struck, and Steve had no idea what the Hell was going on here. He'd thought Bucky was being killed, but no, he was...he was in the middle of...what, some kind of twisted foreplay? With a man? He wasn't sure what shocked him more, that Bucky had apparently been enjoying being strangled and abused, or that it had been by a man. How long had this been going on? How long had he hidden it from Steve? And he thought about the reactions of the men at the table. Had they _known_? Was he the only one that didn't?

Bucky hadn't spoken, and it seemed he'd have to drag answers out of him. Did he want to? If they left without a word, could they pretend it never happened? But it would plague Steve in the back of his mind, and he would wonder when Bucky said he was going out to see a dame if he wasn't really getting tortured by some guy. The thought made him physically ill, both in as far as context, and because he was in a situation where he had to think of it at all.

"So you...you like..." Steve struggled with the words. It wasn't that he had anything against 'fairies'. Given all that Steve had gone through, he wasn't about to judge a man based on his sexual orientation, he concerned himself with a man's character. But it was Bucky, and it was _this_ , and it had come with such baggage and it was a slap in the face. Had Bucky been keeping something like this from him for...how long? Weren't they closer than that? What else had he been hiding? _Why the Hell did the Commandos know about it?_

Why couldn't Bucky look him in the eyes?

"No!" Bucky cried, and his fingers rolled wildly by his sides. He was anxious and then some. "It's not-I'm not... _damnit_ , Steve. You weren't supposed to be here!" his teeth were clenched as he put a hand to his head and rubbed at his face. Steve noticed the skin of his knuckles was scraped off a bit, and he didn't want to think about what would have been the cause of _that_.

"Because this was supposed to be a secret. From me. From every one but me." Steve said lowly.

Bucky's eyes widened. " _They told you_?" he seemed mortified, and then a bit angry.

Not as angry as Steve was, he was sure. "No, you just did." He'd confirmed that they knew...something. Maybe everything.

Bucky opened his mouth in surprise and then closed it again as he flushed, caught.

"I thought we didn't keep secrets from each other, Buck." Steve said softly, not trying to be gentle, but because he was hurt and if he let the anger in his chest out, this conversation might not end so well. Because Bucky had looked afraid of him, perhaps thinking Steve would reject him, and it made him sick. Didn't Bucky trust him more than that? Didn't their bond mean anything?

"We don't! It's not-I-" Bucky repeated the same stammer, and Steve's hand snaked out to clamp around Bucky's mouth, almost painfully tight a moment.

"I don't wanna hear another lie, or another...'it's not, I'm not'...I want to know why you've been keeping secrets, and what the Hell just happened, and if you can't give me a straight answer..." he trailed off. Then what? How far would this cause a rift between them?

But it seemed to do the trick, because Bucky apparently let his mind wander onto whatever punishment he thought Steve would inflict and it wasn't something pleasant. He grasped Steve's wrist and pulled his hand away, and the sweaty, tense grip didn't feel like Bucky at all. Steve pulled his hand away and drew himself up to his full height as he gazed stoically at Bucky.

Bucky, uncharacteristically, seemed a little slumped and withdrawn, like a kid who'd been scolded or feared the lash. He hated seeing Bucky like that, hated that he'd apparently been the cause, but he had to know. But he didn't say anything, and he just seemed a little more slumped when Steve pulled his hand away. Steve took his silence as an answer, and turned to walk away when Bucky's hand found his wrist again and turned him around. He removed his hand quickly as though burned, perhaps fearing Steve would pull it away again.

Steve turned silently and lifted a brow, and Bucky licked his lips a few times before he started to speak, the words seemingly forced from his throat.

"I need it." he whispered. And Bucky's expression twisted like he'd eaten a lemon and he clenched his hands at his sides.

Steve blinked. "Need what?"

Bucky's jaw clenched as he looked around the room again before his gaze settled on Steve. "The pain." he cursed then, and turned away from Steve as he brought his forehead against the wall and dug his fingers into the wood a moment.

Steve was a little concerned that maybe Bucky wasn't all there at the moment, but when Bucky turned around with a furrowed brow and and an angry expression, full of unfamiliar self-loathing, he felt like he'd been sucker-punched.

Bucky spoke firmly this time, the words cold and emotionless as gave the truth clinically. Some might have said Bucky was being callous, but Steve recognized it for what it was. He was trying to pretend he didn't care, trying to be cold so he didn't fall apart. Steve almost stopped him, almost gave up on the whole thing, but they had to have this out.

"I always liked it rough. And I always found a dame willing to play along. Lotta guys like that. Nothing fancy." Bucky met Steve's gaze evenly, despite his clenched jaw and tense posture. "I like girls. The idea of screwing a guy makes me want to _throw up_. That's not what was going on."

Steve wasn't sure exactly where this was headed, but he didn't dare speak, lest Bucky lose his resolve. And that was fine, because Bucky continued on his own.

"And it's not like it's just the sex." he said bluntly, and Steve's eyes widened slightly. Bucky had always teased him about his virginal status, but he was rarely so blunt. "We risk our lives every f***ing day, a good night out just...not dying, that's fine. Don't need a dame. Got the team, got you, that's good by me. Sex is just...a bonus." he paused then, and seemed to collect his thoughts.

"But it's not enough...and it's not what I need." Bucky mentioned need again, and Steve wasn't getting it at all. He thought maybe Bucky was just talking on random tangents, that maybe he was more injured than Steve thought. But he'd let the other finish and see if it tied together.

Bucky didn't keep talking though, and Steve said lightly. "I don't understand, Buck."

That seemed to be the wrong thing to say, because Bucky's expression flared and he slammed a fist against the wall, and his already scraped knuckles bled a little as rough wood made contact.

"Bucky-" Steve started forward in concern, but Bucky held up a hand.

There was a bitter twist to his lips, and something like self-mockery as well as that clinical chill as he continued. "Yeah, 'course you don't. You're a damned choir boy. You're a freaking angel. Why would you understand what monsters do?"

Steve's eyes widened, and he decided that he had to put a stop to this. Something was clearly wrong with Bucky. "You are _not_ a monster...I think he knocked you around a little too hard...just forget it, let's-"

" _I can't_!" Bucky screamed suddenly, and his hands gripped the sides of his head. Steve was aware of the smell of alcohol then, and he suspected that Bucky had been imbibing. Despite that, he didn't think the other was very drunk. So what was it? "I can't forget! Every time I close my eyes... _I'm there_. When someone shines a f***ing flash light in my face, when it gets too dark...when I'm in a hospital and there's all those f***ing instruments...and sometimes I look at you, and I remember him-and that blood on my hands...and I...I... _Damnit_!"

And then it clicked for Steve. The thing Bucky couldn't remember. And suddenly things made more sense but he was still missing something, there were a few final pieces to the puzzle.

"I thought I was going to die there, Steve. Hell, I thought I was dead...I _wished_ I was dead...at first, I just kept thinkin' we'd get rescued...get out somehow. Kept thinkin' I couldn't die 'cause I had to get home to _you_...who was gonna take care of Stevie?" Steve's heart clenched at that, and the urge to embrace Bucky and wipe away all his pain was overwhelming. "But then they just...tear you up too many times. They rip your heart apart and stitch it back together too many f***ing times until there's nothin' left...and then you don't care about going home, or makin' it out, you just want it to _stop_...you just hope you'll close your eyes, and never open 'em again." he hissed, pained.

"Sometimes, just sometimes, I think maybe I'll open my eyes and be back there again. That you're just another dream. And I can't-I can't...I _can't_." he let out a ragged breath and clutched at his chest. Steve again tried to reach for him, and Bucky pulled away and shot him a look like there was something foul in his mouth.

"Buck..." Steve breathed, the sight of his frenzied, pained friend more than he could bear. He should have never come.

"But the pain...it helps. I don't know...it's backwards and twisted and... _messed up_...it should be the opposite. But it's not. That pain just feels real, the pain was the only thing that was ever real in there...it grounds me, helps me focus...and it...it _feels good_. Like I can trust it or somethin'...I can't explain it. It just _makes sense_. And that's why it's gotta be a guy."

'I don't understand' seemed to be a taboo phrase, so Steve settled for a mild. "Why's that?"

Bucky shot him a look like he was an idiot. "You think I'd let some girl go through that? Make her deal with _me_? I can't ask a dame to do this." he gestured at himself, the welts and cuts, the slightly swollen face, and his fingers brushed against the neck that had been so thoroughly crushed just a little earlier. "There's guys like me though...Hell, some of 'em don't get it and they still like it anyway. And I don't gotta feel bad, 'cause they're all pricks. They understand, or they don't care, and we don't gotta _talk_ about it. We just give each other a fix. What we _need_. Don't even know their damned names. Don't care. Don't f _***_ ing like guys, I'm not a fairy, Steve." he hissed, and all fear had left. He just seemed angry, and a little...deranged.

"I know that." Steve soothed. "I know. That was stupid of me...I'm sorry." he tried to talk calmly in the face of the revelation he'd been given. The new understanding and foreign side of Bucky. How had he missed it? He'd thought Bucky was mostly over what had happened at Hydra, but he'd...been such a fool. Because of course he wasn't. He'd just found a brutal way to cope, and hide the pain. And he actually thought Steve would reject him for it. He could see the resignation in Bucky again, and he realized that the initial fear had been of that. That Steve would turn from him, be repulsed by him.

"Don't talk to me like that, Rogers!" Bucky snapped, apparently not liking Steve's soothing tone. He supposed Bucky had taken it like being talked to like a child. And then his expression twisted, the mocking tone and self-loathing returned. "Guess you don't want me on the team anymore, huh?"

Steve had no idea how to handle this. So he just gave himself up.

"It doesn't change anythin', Buck. You're still my best friend, we're still family." And he was hurt by the surprise that registered in Bucky's expression. "I just wish...you had told me any of this...I could have-"

"What? _Helped_ me? Wouldn't take much for you to choke me out-" Bucky cut Steve off, and then himself as he realized what he was saying. The look of horror and disgust that dawned made it clear that Bucky had never considered Steve a potential candidate for giving him his pleasured pain. Which was relieving, but somehow, perhaps slightly disappointing. And that was a sick thought.

Steve didn't want anything to do with that situation, but anything to do with Bucky mattered to him. He didn't want to hurt Bucky, the thought of doing what he'd seen Bucky and Jean doing offended every sensibility he had, it made him _sick_. But he considered taking care of Bucky part of his life as much as Bucky considered taking care of Steve part of his. And so he was determined to believe that he could have helped Bucky somehow. But what could he do? He'd always thought he could do anything for Bucky, but if Bucky had ever asked-even after explaining-Steve was sure he couldn't do that to Bucky. He couldn't _help_ him, and that was what disappointed Steve.

Bucky suddenly slid down against the wall, and kept one leg straight and one up as he buried his face in his hands. "I'm a mess, Steve." he finally whispered, and he sounded like Bucky, albeit it weary and sad. "I didn't...want you to see me like this...I didn't want you to think I'm..."

Bucky didn't finish, and Steve wasn't sure this time how it would have ended. If he would call himself a 'monster' again, or messed up, or whatever else. But the anger and madness seemed to have fled Bucky, and now he just seemed lost.

Steve suddenly plopped down beside Bucky, their thighs touching a bit as he moved in close. Bucky seemed taken aback as he lowered his hands and eyed Steve warily. But then he started to pull away a little, self-disgust clear in his expression. "Don't touch me, Steve...you don't want what I got."

Which Steve figured was a roundabout way of Bucky thinking he would be tainting Steve, which was _bulls***_. He grabbed Bucky's shoulders and yanked him to face Steve. Steve stared hard at the other a moment, not entirely sure what he wanted to do, what he could say.

He lifted a hand like a raised fist, and he saw Bucky's eyes widen in surprise before he flinched a little and seemed resigned again. Like he thought Steve would hit him and he'd deserve it, and it just broke Steve. This broken man was his Bucky, he knew that, but he was shrouded in a darkness Steve couldn't understand and didn't know how to dispel. Bucky had always had a little dark side, but this was something else, something _they_ had forced on him.

In the end, as was intended, his fist became a gentle brush of his fingers on Bucky's slightly swollen cheek. And that seemed to break Bucky a little bit, because his breath hitched as he watched Steve uncertainly.

"I don't know how to help you, Buck. I don't even...entirely know what's wrong." he laughed mirthlessly, sad more than anything. And he saw Bucky tense and corrected himself. "There's nothing wrong with you." he said firmly. "You're not...a bad person because of this...or anything, you're a good man, Buck." Bucky snorted and Steve dug his fingers into the shoulder he still had a hand on. He regained Bucky's attention and continued.

"I could say a lot of things...count off all the reasons that you're as amazing as you always said you were." Bucky swallowed hard at that. "I could explain why it's okay. I could point out that what happened to you wasn't your fault, and no one in their right minds would blame you for needing to cope. However you have to." Bucky's eyes widened slightly, like he'd never considered it like that, and Steve's heart ached for Bucky who'd been carrying his silent burden all along. "But instead I'll just say this...even if you _were_ a monster, and you're _not_ , by the way...It wouldn't matter to me. Because you're still _my_ Bucky. And I don't wanna hear any more crap about you being off the team, because your insuboordinate arse is _mine_ , Barnes." he added the last bit as the Captain, and Bucky seemed dumbfounded.

"You still want me on the team?"

Was that all he had gotten out of that?

"You _are_ my team, Buck...it's you and me against the world, till the end of the line...that's what you promised, right?"

Bucky looked like he'd been struck for an entirely different reason this time, and the first bit of hope he'd seen since this began entered Bucky's bleak expression. "But...aren't you...disgusted?" he said the word quietly, like Steve might change his mind.

"Hey!" he snapped, and Bucky blinked in surprise. "You listen here, James Barnes," Bucky actually grimaced a little, "Quit doubting me. Okay? However much you think you care about me, I care about you more. If taking care of me is your job, then taking care of you is sure as Hell mine. There's nothing you could do that would make me stop think badly of you, or love you any less, except maybe if you keep being such an idiot and thinking I would ever let you go." He wasn't sure quite how else to phrase that.

Bucky drew in a slow breath as he met Steve's gaze, and whatever he was looking for, he seemed to find it because relief settled the tension in his shoulders as he brought his hand up to Steve's shoulder. When Steve didn't move away, he seemed encouraged. "I'm not going to get into one of those stupid 'No, I love you more', fights like a freaking girl. But for the record. Taking care of you _is_ my job, and I _definitely_ care about you more, punk. You can't hold a candle to me."

Steve laughed a little, relieved that Bucky seemed...like himself again, and he pulled Bucky into a tight hug. He could practically feel Bucky's relief as, to his surprise, Bucky latched onto him a bit and squeezed him tightly. Steve returned it, and he felt Bucky jerk a little as he apparently hit a welt, but when he made to pull away, Bucky gripped him a little tighter.

"I need this too." Bucky said softly.

"Huh?"

"I would...dream about you in there, sometimes...me and you in Brooklyn...the old days...and then suddenly I wanted to _live_. I wanted to go _home_...no matter how bad they broke me...the pain reminds me it's real but..." he braced himself and made his confession. "You're what...you're what keeps me...human. Can't let myself go, can't disappoint you, need to have your back...you look at me like...like I'm a 'good man'...and then I need to be...I _want_ to be...I need you to...to keep me whole."

Steve felt the wind go out of him, and rush of affection and love he felt for the other mind was mind-blowing. They were brothers in everything but blood, and this next revelation rocked Steve. This was what he'd wanted. He hated how it came about, but how many times had he wanted to be Bucky's rock the way Bucky was for him? To know that he had a place by Bucky? Bucky _needed_ him...and the dummy had thought that would bother Steve.

Bucky's posture was tense again, was he worried about Steve's answer?

Steve rested his chin on Bucky's shoulder, and leaned his head against the smaller man's. "Am I really horrible person for being glad about that?" he murmured before he could stop himself. "I wish I could take your pain away, Buck...I wish I could have...gotten there in time but...we can't change the past. In the future...you should know...I _want_ you to need me..." he grimaced. "That sounds a little weird."

"A little." Bucky agreed, almost instictively, but he sounded a little winded and Steve felt he was getting through to the other.

"I just mean...I don't want you to hide anything from me, Buck...no matter what. I meant what I said...there's _nothing_ you could do that would make me...not be on your side. I'll always have your back, and I trust you to have mine...I _believe_ in you...so lean on me as much as you need to...I'll do anything for ya, Buck..." he hesitated, and then chanced it. "As long as my shirt stays on."

Bucky made a choked noise and he thought he'd undone all the work his words had done at repairing Bucky's worries. But then he realized that it was a startled laugh, and for some reason, Bucky just kept laughing as he buried his face in Steve's shoulder. His body trembled with the laughter in Steve's arms, although he thought he felt something a little wet against his neck and thought maybe it wasn't all laughs. But it did mean he had gotten through to Bucky.

Steve allowed himself a moment's nostalgia as he held onto the other. To think on all the times Bucky had done as much for him, the times he had tried to even now. Bucky hadn't thought any different of him for becoming Captain America...he just as much a pain in the arse and wonderful partner that he always was. Steve had always been 'different', as the little guy and as Captain America, and Bucky had taken him as he'd come, happily.

"Trust me..." Bucky finally muttered against Steve's shoulder. "No one wants to see your damned eightteen-pack, Captain." he teased.

"I think there are some army wives who would disagree with you there." Steve said thoughtfully, and Bucky snorted.

They pulled apart then, although Steve's hands lingered on Bucky's shoulders, and Bucky clasped a hand on Steve's arm.

Sure enough, Bucky's eyes looked suspiciously red although they were dry as the men stared at each other a moment. Bucky asked lightly. "So we're...good?"

Steve smiled and squeezed Bucky's shoulder. "Of course we are. Jerk."

"Punk." Bucky replied automatically, and he couldn't remember the last time Bucky had smiled and he'd seen it reach his eyes.

"But...no more secrets. Promise me." Steve said firmly.

Something unreadable flashed across Bucky's face.

_Bucky drew back as the knife cut across his cheek, and a quick fist found it's way to his face. The prisoner had been tied up, supposedly disarmed but apparently that wasn't the case. He'd snuck into camp to steal sensitive documents, and although he'd been quickly caught, there were still a few missing. Naturally, the army wanted them back, and they wanted all the information they could glean out of the man. It wasn't a mission for a nobody, but it wasn't a mission for Captain America either. Because Steve wouldn't approve of something like this. Steve wasn't an 'ends justifies the means' kind of guy. Which was okay, because Bucky could be that for him. He could be whatever Steve needed. Whatever it took to keep Steve's hands clean. Steve was the hero. And like he'd said, this was a war. You did whatever you could to win._

_"Now, let's try this again." Bucky said as he brandished the knife and slammed his heel into the man's chest hard enough that he heard a rib crack. Bucky smiled grimly as he twirled the knife in his hand._

_And Bucky kind of liked being the bad guy._

Bucky smiled, and Steve noted the way it no longer quite reached his eyes. He misinterpreted the cause though, and thought Bucky was just being a little sad again. "How could I say no to that baby-face?" he drawled, before he play-punched Steve's cheek and ruffled his hair. "You're too good to me, y'know that?"

"You were always good to me." Steve countered, unaware that he'd allowed himself to be led away from actually securing a promise from Bucky, as per the other's plan.

Bucky's expression softened as he exhaled heavily, almost a sigh as he shook his head. "Sap."

"Says you, you got my shirt wet." he teased, and Bucky seemed slightly embarrassed as he rubbed the back of his head.

"Shut up, Rogers."

"Aww, Buck, you're adorable when you blush."

"I know where you sleep."

"And I have the authority to make you do push ups and run laps just for fun."

Bucky scowled. "That's playing dirty, Steve."

"I learned from the best." Steve snarked fondly, and the pair rose and ended up leaving the cabin to head back. They walked in the moonlight in silence for a ways, until Bucky said softly.

"Thanks, Stevie."

Steve smiled warmly. He had a lot to think about...for all that he'd said to Bucky, this wasn't over. He didn't consider Bucky a monster, he was the best guy Steve knew. And he didn't think he was _wrong_ , but he was broken. And Steve wanted desperately to fix him, to chase away his nightmares and bring him back to an existence where he didn't need pain to feel reassured of reality. But he was glad that Bucky needed _him_. That was something he could do, something he could grasp and hold onto. Helping Bucky...remember who he was. What he was.

A good man.

"Any time, Buck." Steve said, and he meant it, and looking ahead with a smile and a renewed bit of hope, he missed the way Bucky's gaze slid away guiltily as a new weight took precedence and settled on his shoulders.

No more secrets, Steve had asked. And Bucky had thought of some secrets he'd held, things he'd done for himself and to protect Steve. Thought of the way that having pain inflicted gave him footing in reality, thought of how having Steve grounded him. Thought of the way inflicting pain on others helped relieve his nightmares, helped settle his darker urges. Ones that might make the events of that night seem mild. No more secrets, Steve had asked. And he would do _anything_ for Steve.

Anything but that.

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

**So, I was planning a Howling Commandos sequel to Mr. Not-So-Nice guy where Bucky gets busted by the until-then oblivious Cap for torturing a guy behind his back. [And an alternate version where Cap just remains oblivious and it ends kind of like this did, with Bucky smiling but thinking otherwise]. And now this is going to tie in so well when Bucky gets busted because...holy Hell. Steve's going to feel betrayed. XD I digress. I thought it was going to end up light, because of the amusing intro, but then Bucky just went...buck wild and Steve was shaken and...wow. Emotional roller-coaster of feels and angst [and let's face it, the dark stuff is fun to write]. For me anyway. XD Thought about maybe Steve does dip in and give Bucky some pain, [in a less sexual way], but that seemed too unrealistic. Steve might suck it up and bruise him for a hot minute, but then he'd be unable to stomach hurting Bucky even if he wanted it, and Bucky wouldn't let Steve 'dirty' himself like that. So. No. XD  
**

**I know, this was odd, maybe. But I did manage to inject some fluff and more of my sickeningly-sweet dialogue. I love doing that, I guess. XD Reviews are like verbal hugs. Thoughts are appreciated. Be open-minded. I think this is realistic. Everything Bucky went through, pain becomes a center, a fixation for him. Kind of like Stockholm syndrome if you squint. He needs the pain, it was the only thing that was real in his messed-up time as a test-subject. But he needs Steve too, because Steve reminds him to be human and** _**good** _ **and not just give in to being what might be more comfortable at this point, which is darker and colder. So he doesn't have to deal with nightmares and feelings and such. And Steve understands a bit, but not as well as he thinks...he just can't understand completely how...dehumanizing the torture experience is, even despite his trails as a kid.**

**Well, now that I've made a really long author's note and possibly been a tool in psycho-analyzing my writing..._ Forgive me, expect fluff in the next chapter, and enjoy! This got so much longer than I expected. XD Stole my time from other stories, but I LOVED IT. I digress. Also, side note, Bucky uses the f-word a fair bit. We don't hear it in the movies, but that's because it's language is dictated by it's rating. In real life WWII times [any time, really] soldiers/men/people have potty mouths. But them in particular, I would think. Anyway! I adore you people! Enjoy! ~Witchy~**


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